Sailor Senshi Deathmatch
by Fire Angel1
Summary: It's over, everybody. Farewell, friends. Final three episodes here for ya.
1. Inner Senshi vs. The Teletubbies

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 1: Inner Senshi vs. the Teletubbies  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us… well, except for Fire Angel,   
who is actually one of the authors of this thing! So don't go trying to sue us because… well,   
just don't.   
  
Usagi: Konnichiwa, minna-san, and welcome to the first episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch. I'm   
Tsukino Usagi, fighter for love and justice and all that… or for you American buffs, Serena. And   
this is my… friend… mister Happy-go-lucky narrator guy. We're your commentators for today.   
Narrator: Eh-oh young Teletubsters! The sun has risen over Teletubbie Land and the Teletubbies   
came out to play, when they were suddenly challenged to battle by these weirdos with severe   
personality disorders… for all you youngsters out there, that's bad evil people who want to bash   
up *sniff* our friends, the Teletubbies!  
Usagi: As you can tell, the Sailor Senshi's opposing team for today are *disdainful sigh*… the   
Teletubbies. But anyway, on with the battle! Introducing Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor   
Jupiter and Sailor Venus!  
Inner Senshi: Konnichiwa, minna! *Venus winks and makes the peace sign*  
Narrator: And to challenge these… *sarcastically* lovely ladies, are the coolest tubbies with   
teles on their bellies, the Teletubbies!!  
Teletubbies: Eh-oh!!!! *start singing the 'Teletubbies' song*  
Usagi: Ooh! Without warning, Sailor Mercury opens up with a surprise attack of… Shabon Spray?!   
Ami-chan, what are you doing?  
Narrator: That was cheating! It was cheating, right!? I'm sure it was! They can't do that! The   
bell didn't ring!! CHEATS!!!  
Mercury: *apologetically* Sorry… give me one more chance. Their song was annoying the hell out of  
me.  
Mars: You can talk, Mister Happy Man! Your precious Stubbies were cheating before we were! That   
singing can kill anyone!  
Lala: I thought we sounded pretty!  
Mercury: Hey! No one told us you could talk!  
Venus: Can we get on with this, please? I have an appointment with my manicurist.  
Narrator: Well, we better hit the bell then…  
!!DING!!  
Usagi: Because of Ami-chan's previous… attack… the area is still extremely fogged up. I can't see  
anything! *Wails* I wanna see what's happening! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna! *delighted* Hey!   
There's a gap in the mist! I can see! Sailor Mars and Sailor Jupiter are keying up to attack the   
Teletubbies, who are… standing there doing nothing.  
Narrator: THEIR ATTACKS HIT TINKY-WINKY!! That was nasty, wasn't it kids!? Poor old Tinky-Winky   
didn't do anything!  
Tinky-Winky: Tinky… Winky…  
Usagi: Shut up, dumbass! Oh, what's this? In retaliation, Dipsy is turning on his television   
screen. A cooking show. How interesting. *Horrified* No, Mako-chan! What are you doing?! Mako,   
don't sit down and watch the cooking show! MAKO!  
Jupiter: *dreamily* That looks yummy. I'll have to try that one someday…  
Po: Don't swear… Not nice.   
Lala: *despairingly* Tinky-Winky!  
Narrator: You won't be able to try it if you're in hospital, Sailor Jupiter. Po is sneaking up   
behind her and… Hahahaha!!!!!! He hit her over the head with what seems to be a mallet.  
Usagi: Makooooooo! I thought those stupid tubbies weren't into violence! Oh, man! Jupiter's going  
down, but she still has enough strength to ram Po in the stomach with her head! Ouch, that would   
hurt! Go, Mako-chan!  
Narrator: Oh no! What's this?! Po's tele has smashed!! NOOOOO!!! Pieces of glass are flying   
everywhere. Ha! Look at that! One piece hit Sailor Venus across the face!  
Venus: My beautiful face! You bastard! You're going to pay for this! VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY   
SHOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Usagi: Aah! Venus does her attack more powerful than ever, in the sake of beauty! And Po is a   
goner, exploded remains of him lying all over the arena. That's two down, two to go!!! *mutters   
to herself* maybe I should start bribing youmas to scratch Mina-chan across the face from now on…  
Narrator: Damn… ummm… … … WE CAN'T LOSE!!! COME ON TELETUBBIES!! FIGHT BACK!!!!  
Dipsy: NOOOOOO!!! PO!!! You die for that Sailor Senshi!!!!  
Tinky-Winky: *angrily* Tinky… Winky! Tinky-Winky!  
Usagi: Great. So much for two down. Oh well, one down, three to go! Come on Senshi, you can do   
it!  
From audience… some guy from the Waterboy: You can do it! You can do it all night long!   
Especially with that Venus chick!  
Venus: *Winks and blows a kiss out to the audience* Come see me later and I'll give you my   
number… hee hee!  
Mars: *mockingly* So Tubs, what's next? You're gonna show us re-runs of Playschool?  
Tinky-Winky: No… We shoot you!!! *pulls out a machine gun*  
Venus: I don't think so, handsome.  
Mercury: My analysis tells me that the machine gun is definitely real.  
Mars: Not a problem. He doesn't have to fire it, does he? Akuryo Taisan!  
Usagi: Woo-hoo! The anti-evil scroll hits Tinky-Winky and he appears to slow down… but, wait!   
What's this? He's moving again!  
Narrator: Stupid, stupid, stupid. Can it be you possibly think the Teletubbies are evil?  
Usagi: When they whack Mako over the head with mallets and then pull machine guns on us, yes. I   
would say they are most certainly evil.  
Narrator: Yes… but… *thinks for a second* they bring happiness to children all over the world!   
That means that they are good!!  
From audience… Irvine Kinneas (think Final Fantasy 8): Yeah, but the Sailor Senshi bring   
happiness to all the guys in the world! Except for that one that actually looks like a guy… but   
hey, Venus! I just wanna let you know that we belong together!  
From audience… Selphie Tilmitt: Oi! *slapping sound, followed by an 'oof' from Irvine*  
Irvine: Geez, can't a guy have a bit of a flirt?  
Usagi: *looks up as a cackling noise is heard* What the…?!  
Jupiter: Here! Use this! *drops an absolutely huge object*  
Mars: Jupiter?! Jupiter, what are you doing up on the roof?  
Venus: Excellent, it's a rocket launcher!  
Mercury: I'm not usually up for violence, but this is going to be fun.  
Usagi: Wah-hoo! This is soooooooo cool!  
From audience… Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil 2): Guys, couldn't you make up your own storyline,   
instead of borrowing from ours?   
From somewhere in the realms of heaven… Fire Angel: Nup.  
Narrator: OK everyone. I think we're getting a little off track. Let's get back to the fight,   
shall we?  
Venus: *shrugging and picking up the rocket launcher* Okay.  
Narrator: No, that's not what I meant… no, that's not fair! Leave the harmless creatures alone!!  
Usagi: Harmless? Mako's a ghost, who's quoting off of a survival horror Playstation game.   
Harmless. No. Not harmless, mister happy. Not harmless at all.  
Venus: *looking up at the commentators' box and shrugging* It's only got two rounds, anyway, so   
it isn't gonna be much use. Two rounds… three Teletubbies, there'll still be one left. So which   
one do I blow up first? Hmm… Lala, let's start with you. I'm the yellow one around here,   
thankyou!  
Narrator: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!   
Usagi: And she fires… and she… MISSES?! *sweatdrop* Venus, you ditz! I didn't know you were so   
much of an airhead! You absolute fool!  
Venus: Umm… sorry. *hands the launcher sheepishly to Mars* There's still one round left… maybe we  
can hit two Teletubbies with one stone, so to speak.   
Usagi: *looking relieved* It looks like Mars-sama has a plan… she's smirking at Dipsy…  
Narrator: What is going on?!   
Mars: *smirking* Akuryo… TAISAN!  
Usagi: *sweatdrop* Mars! That doesn't work, remember?! Oh… what's this? Oh my gosh, I forgot the   
attack slows the tubby-tot down a little!  
Mars: Game over, Dipsy.  
Leon: Would you quit stealing my lines?! Seriously, man.  
Narrator: They're killing the Teletubbies!! Kids! We have to do something!!!!  
Usagi: WHAT?! There are kids flocking onto the arena. Isn't that against the rules? It's supposed  
to be four against four! Hey, wait! The tub-tubs are running away! That means the Sailor Senshi   
win!  
Narrator: That is if they survive the onslaught of the children!!  
Usagi: That's it! Since when did you start acting so mature anyway? We've won, so we're allowed   
to cheat! Moon Eternal, Make Up!  
Narrator: Hey!! But I can't do anything like that!! That's not fair!!!!!  
Eternal Moon: And you think what you're doing is fair? Using kids to do your dirty work? I think   
not! For love and justice, In place of the moon, I will punish you! I am Eternal Sailor Moon!  
Mars: Woo-hoo! Go Sailor Moon! Aah! You little brat, stop biting my ankles!  
Narrator: Aaahh!!! Mommy….  
Eternal Moon: He heh… this is the bit I like best. Silver Moon Crystal Power…  
Leon: Hmmph. That sounds like something I said once, too.  
Narrator: What?! Silver Moon Crystal Power!? Boy, do you have some issues…  
Eternal Moon: KISS!!!!!!!  
Irvine: Yes, please! OWWWWW!!!!! Sefie, what was that for?  
Selphie: Hmmph.  
Mercury: As our current commentators seem to be busy, with Sailor Moon conducting a spell of   
awesome magnitude, and that weird guy cowering in absolute horror, I am your new commentator.   
Mizuno Ami! As Eternal Sailor Moon casts her attack, every single kid in the area explodes. Yuck.  
There's blood everywhere. Sailor Moon, what happened? Usually they turn into dust!  
Eternal Moon: Isn't it obvious how pissed off I am? So the attack was more powerful and exploded   
the kids. I don't care. I've got blood all over my fuku, because Mister Happy exploded all over   
me. Yuck! Is that his heart sitting on top of my odango?? Hey, where are Sailor Mars and Sailor   
Venus?  
Mars: *walking in with Venus* We just finished off the remaining Uglytubbies. They're dead now,   
so suck it, kids!  
Venus: *wailing* I got blood all through my hair! And my make-up's all smudged. I don't wanna do   
this anymore!!!!  
Irvine: Don't cry, babe! *runs down to the blood soaked arena and hugs her*  
Venus: *winks and slips him her number*  
Selphie: IRVINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Jupiter: Geez, do you think you could keep it down a little? I've got a mega headache.  
Mercury: Jupiter! You're dead!  
Jupiter: No, I'm not. Did you think a mallet was gonna keep me down? If so, I've got news for   
you, Mizuno.  
Mercury: *blushing* You're right. I should have been able to analyse the situation and work it   
out. *everyone gets a huge sweatdrop*  
Eternal Moon: Well, minna-san, that's about it. The sailor senshi have rid the world from the   
scum known as the Teletubbies. So until next time…  
Mars: Hang on a mo, odango. Didn't you know that Tinky-Winky and Lala actually had children not   
long ago?  
Eternal Moon: *sweatdrop* Aah… no… I didn't realise that… but in that case, it looks like we'd   
better keep moving.  
Jupiter: Why? Where are we going?  
Venus: *still wailing* I need a shower!!!! Waaaaahhhhhh!  
Irvine: *dreamy look on his face* Let me know when you're having this shower okay, Venus-sama?   
Maybe I'll join you.  
Venus: *winks as Selphie slaps him*  
Mercury: Where are we going, Sailor Moon?  
Eternal Moon: Well… *smiles at Leon and gives the almighty peace sign* It's up to us to take out   
the remaining Teletubbies. *heavy rock music starts, sounding suspiciously like the ending theme   
to Resident Evil 2's 2nd scenario…*  
Leon: GODAMMIT!!!!! You people do not give up! Would you please stop ripping on my game?!   
PLEASE?!?!?!?!?!?!  
Eternal Moon: *laughing* Well, as you can see, we have some important business to attend to. But   
for now, ja mata! 


	2. Inner Senshi, Sailors Moon & ChibiMoon v...

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 2: Inner Senshi, Sailor Moon & Sailor Chibi Moon vs. The Animorphs and   
Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill (uh… Ax)  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us… except for Satan's Angel   
(yeah, she's in this one). So don't go trying to sue us because… well, just don't. We know we   
said all that crap before, but… oh well. We don't give a damn, and neither should you! Have fun,   
and enjoy life! Beeeeeeee Happy! By the way, we haven't read any Animorphs books past #32, so   
things mighta happened that we don't know about (although we know Visser Three is Visser One now).  
So we guess that it's done from the vantage point of just after book #32. Yeah.  
  
A Small Note from Fire Angel: Upon looking at the reviews for the last episode, I noticed that   
some people were upset that we'd made Venus look like a mega tart/slut/whatever you would like to  
call it. The reason we've done this, I guess, is cos we're exaggerating every character. Ami is   
an analysis freak, Mako's… just Mako, Rei's a mega sarcastic bitch, and Usagi whines more than   
usual. So Minako's a slut. There we go. Have fun! PS: A Barney episode *will* be coming up soon,   
promise!  
  
A Small Note from Satan's Angel: If you don't read Animorphs, some of this might be a little hard  
to understand, though we've tried to make it as explanatory as we could without sounding   
longwinded. Please review this story; we LOVE getting reviews, and we LOVE you! (Not in that way,  
but… you know…)  
  
Hotaru: Domo domo, minnasan! Welcome to the second episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch, the show   
where our favourite female warriors kick… ahem… butt. I'm Tomoe Hotaru, the protector of the   
planet of ruin. And with me today is, um, an… android by the name of Erek King.  
Erek: Hi. Today's opponents for the Sailor Senshi are the Animorphs.  
Hotaru: Animorphs? I beg your pardon?  
Erek: The Animorphs are a group of five humans that fight an alien race, the Yeerks. They are   
assisted by Aristh Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, an Andalite from a faraway planet.  
Hotaru: Aristh Aximili-who-what?  
Erek: Just call him Ax. Anyway, these five humans are going to fight with their morphing power, a  
gift given to them by a dying Andalite, Prince Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul.  
Hotaru: *eyebrow raised* You're saying that these… humans… have the ability to turn into any   
animal at will?  
Erek: Sure, once they've acquired its DNA. Now, to introduce the Animorphs: Jake, Rachel, Tobias,  
Cassie, Marco and Ax! Besides Ax, all of these warriors are human. Tobias, the hawk, has actually  
been trapped in his morph… the price you pay for staying in a morph for more than two hours.  
Marco: Woohoo! I always knew that we'd be on TV for this someday!  
Aximili: Television? We're on television?! Are we young and restless?  
Rachel: Ax, shut up. We are not on The Young and the Restless. This is Sailor Senshi Deathmatch,   
and we're the challenging team! Yeehah, this is gonna be fun!  
Hotaru: And everyone's favourite female warriors, the Sailor Senshi!  
Sailor Senshi: Hontoni arigato, Hotaru-chan! Konnichiwa, minnasan!  
Hotaru: Woohoo, on with the battle!  
!!DING!!  
Erek: The Animorphs start to morph their best battle morphs, while the Sailor Senshi stand there,  
bewildered. Ax, meanwhile, is… Ax?! What the heck is he doing? Ax? Why in the world are you   
morphing a human?  
Aximili: *approaching Ami* Hello. I am Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill. I have been told that you are   
extremely… exxx-treeeeee-mleeee intelligent. I therefore would like to find out if you know   
anything… enn-eee-theeeng… about Sario Rips.  
Mercury: *confused* Sa-riyo Rip? A variation in the use of a rip? What are you talking about, you  
Andalite nincompoop?  
Aximili: Nincompoop? Nincompoooooop? *angrily* do not call me a nincompooooop, you human fool. I   
am talking about a Sario Rip, a rip in the flow of time. I remember the equations, where t is   
time, z is zero-space, and w inversely cubed represents the nexus of…  
Hotaru: SHUT UP, Andalite fil… I mean, shut up and fight, you strange creature. We want action   
here! Action! Action action action! Come on Ami-chan, use your wit and kill all Andalites!  
Erek: I beg your pardon? Kill all Andalites?  
Hotaru: Ahhh… *sweatdrop* he was annoying me. Anyway, can we get on with this, now that your   
precious Animorphs have finished transforming? Please?  
Erek: Alrighty then, let's boogie. For those who have been watching Ax and Sailor Mercury, the   
Animorphs have finished morphing! Jake is a tiger, Rachel is an elephant, Marco is a… cobra…   
Cassie is a wolf. Tobias is still a hawk, and Ax is resuming Andalite form… ooh! And without   
warning, Cassie lunges at Sailor Venus!  
Cassie: This is for using make-up that's tested on animals!  
Venus: Aah, no please don't! Not my face, not my face! NOT MY FACE!  
Hotaru: Minako-sama, why don't you attack?! ATTACK, don't run, you imbecile! Sailor Venus, no…   
stop running! Turn around and fight!!!  
Erek: Great one, Hotaru. You just ruined a perfectly good running scene! Sailor Venus turns   
boldly to face Cassie, who swipes her across the face!  
Venus: Aaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiii! This is so unfair; my face got scratched last time! I'm gonna be   
covered in scars! You bitch, Cassie! You're going to die for this! VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN!  
From audience… Edgar Figaro (of Final Fantasy 6 fame): Love to love you, baby!  
Mars: How come, every freaking episode, some guy hits on Minako-chan? (To the ground) Damn you,   
you stupid creators of this thing. Why can't some really hot guy hit on me for once?!  
From somewhere in the depths of hell… Satan's Angel: Because Minako is the slut of the sailor   
senshi, brains. Now keep fighting or die.  
Hotaru: While King Figaro has been doing his best to hit on Venus-sama, she has whipped her   
love-heart chain around Cassie's neck and is… ooh, you could hear that a mile away… she just   
broke Cassie's neck with a deafening crack!  
Erek: Aah, no! Cassie, demorph! DEMORPH already, Cassie! Come on, this isn't happening! The   
Animorphs can't lose!!!!  
Jake: CAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
Rachel: You fucking bitch, Venus! You're going to pay for this!  
Hotaru: What the… what is Venus doing? She's beginning to use another attack on Cassie's already   
almost dead body! *under her breath* Woohoo, go Venus. Hack her up with your sword or something.  
Jake: CAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
Erek: What was that?!  
Hotaru: Err… nothing. Nothing at all… and Mars is running over, trying to stop Venus from using   
the other attack… she's saying Cassie's dead already, let them have a body to bury… Mars, let her  
attack, you fool! Disintegrate her!!! KILL!  
Jake: CAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
Erek: Mars is shaking Venus, trying to get her to stop… oooooohhhhhhh my God, this is disgusting…  
Oh, I can't look…  
Hotaru: Oh my God, Mars and Venus! Rachel just sat on Venus, and because her elephant butt is so   
big… oh my God, she's standing up again… Mars and Venus are nothing more than bloody specks on   
the floor of the arena.  
Edgar: VVVEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! No, you can't die! I love you too   
much!  
Jake: Dammitcassiemorphout!!!!! Comeonwakeupsnapoutofitalready! Youcan'tdiecassie! CASSIE!  
Marco: Holy cow, this is not happening. This is so not happening!  
Jupiter: Holy thunderbolts, I'm afraid it is. I'm so afraid it is! *pokes her tongue out at Marco  
and then looks viciously at Rachel* How would you like to die for killing Rei and Minako? We'll   
make elephant shish kabobs.  
Marco: Rachel isn't going to die. You are, Jupiter. *mimics Jupiter* I am Sailor Marco, and in  
the name of Planet Cobra, I will right wrongs and kill anyone by the name of Mako. And that…   
means you!  
Rachel: Good. You can start with her. Then bite yourself, too.  
Marco: Shut-up, Xena. I will kill anyone by the name of MAKOTO… and that… means you, Sailor   
Jupiter!  
Eternal Moon: You stupid American buff, you. It's… 'In place of the Moon, I will punish you!',   
not 'I will right wrongs and triumph over evil… and that means you!'. Man, those American guys   
suck.  
Hotaru: Cobra-man is staying extremely well hidden, I must say. Jupiter is talking to him but she  
can't see him. In fact, I can't see him.  
Erek: He's sitting on the back of Jupiter's right boot, about to bite her leg.  
Hotaru: No he's not! No he's… oh my God, Sailor Jupiter! This is sooooo not happening. All the   
Senshi are dying! No way! And… oh my God, Cassie's a human and she's fully okay again! This is so  
unfair; they can heal themselves! Unbelievable.  
Erek: Marco just bit Jupiter. Now she's dying. Dying… dead.  
Marco: I'm afraid it IS happening, miss commentator.  
Chibi Moon: Get your own phrase, you big meanie!  
Aximili: Shut-up, you insecure little human girl. You are young and pink-headed. You are odd.   
Very odd.  
Chibi Moon: I'm not the one that's blue with a big disgusting tail and four hooves, you Andalite,  
you!  
Tobias: Leave Ax alone, pinkie! And stop dissing Andalites! I'm part Andalite! Prince Elfangor   
was my FATHER! And he never TOLD me!!!!  
A voice from the heavens… Fire Angel: Just a small note, all. Elfangor actually left a letter for  
Tobias, detailing everything. You'll probably only understand that quip if you've read my Final   
Fantasy 8 fic, Father. If you haven't read it, please do. And review, review, review!   
*everyone gasps*  
Erek: Well, Tobias' shocking outburst has caused Rachel to faint, squishing both Sailor Chibi   
Moon and Sailor Moon. Well, that's five out of six senshi dead, four of them squished by Rachel.   
A new record!  
Hotaru: Erek, I'll be back in a moment. I have to go make a phone call. It's kind of important,   
okay?  
Erek: Why? Why are you making a phone call? The fight's not over yet! There's one more to go!  
Hotaru: Sorry, Erek. I'll be back. It's ultra-important.  
Erek: Err… okay. Cool. Ahem, I… am Erek King. I think you know that, but I just wanted to make   
myself feel important. Anyway, the fight in the arena below has reached its climax, with only one  
senshi standing against six Animorphs. The remaining senshi, Sailor Mercury, is heading   
cautiously towards Aximili, her computer sitting gingerly in her hand.  
Mercury: *clears throat nervously* Umm… hi. I know we got off to a bad start, but… er, I was   
wondering if you'd let me join your little Animorph group. Uh, yeah. That's what I wanted to ask.  
I'm VERY brainy, and I can come up with good solutions to any problems, and I'm good at strategic  
work too. I know I don't have morphing powers, but… I am a Sailor Senshi!  
Marco: Exactly, you're a Sailor Senshi. You die.  
Jake: Ax. Kill her.  
Aximili: But Prince Jake, with all due respect, she is being nice.  
Tobias: Shut up, Ax. Kill her.  
Aximili: But… the people who are young and restless never do such things.  
Cassie: JUST DO IT!  
Rachel: Ax, the 'people who are young and restless' kill nice people all the time. So if you   
kill her, you'll be just like them.  
Aximili: I'll be young and restless?  
Cassie: And… we'll buy you a life-time supply of cinnamon buns.  
Aximili: Cinnamon buns? Young and restless? In that case…  
Erek: And with a loud swack, Mercury's head goes rolling across the arena. She's dead. The   
Animorphs are declared the winners! From now on, this will be known as Animorphs Deathmatch,   
where your favourite Yeerk-fighters go up against…  
Hotaru: Not so fast, Chee!  
Erek: Huh? Hotaru? What are you doing down on the arena? Just a warning… the Animorphs will   
probably kill you.  
Hotaru: You stupid fool. You stupid, stupid fool. Actually, Visser Three is the stupid fool. He   
thought you were all Andalites. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.  
Aximili: Yeerk? You're a Yeerk?  
Hotaru: Visser Two. Pleased to meet you.  
Jake: You think you can capture us, just on your own?  
Visser Two: *laughing* I'm not on my own, human. Surrounding this arena, and outside, are plenty   
of Hork-Bajir warriors. There are also several human-Controllers in the audience.  
Edgar: *mocking* Hello, my little Animorphs.  
Visser Two: Shut-up. Somebody kill him for me. Anyway, *smiling as a Dracon beam disintegrates   
Edgar* you can either come peacefully or be forced.  
Rachel: You'll never take us alive!  
Visser Two: We'll see about that. Remember our old friends, the Helmacrons? Well, we stole their   
little shrinking ray. So, big bad elephants aren't really a threat to us. We'll just un-shrink   
you when we get to the Yeerk pool.  
Cassie: You won't get away with this!  
Visser Two: Oh, I think we will. Chapman, get that shrinking ray in here!  
Chapman: *coming down from the audience* I honestly can't believe that these children from my own  
school were involved with all of this! *gives Visser Two the shrinking ray*  
Visser Two: Chee, you're the commentator. Commentate!  
Erek: Uhh… well… uhh… Visser Two just shrunk the Animorphs, and they're carrying them off in a   
jar… all except for Ax. They've stuck him in a cage, and they're unshrinking them again. What are  
they doing?  
Visser Two: Hah-hah! Visser Three will not be the only Yeerk with an Andalite host body now!   
Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!  
Aximili: NOOOOOOOOO, Yeerk filth!  
Erek: Oh my God, Ax is screaming his head off as Visser Two leaves Hotaru's head and enters his   
own… oh, God. Aximili Esgarrouth Isthill is a Yeerk. Oh my God.  
Hotaru: Oh, no! What's happened? Oh God, this is terrible!!!!  
Erek: *coming down to the arena* Yeah, I know. The world is doomed.  
Hotaru: Not that! The senshi are dead…  
Visser Two: Hah-hah!!!! The world is doomed to fall to the Yeerks. Finally, we will have taken   
over the human race… all thanks to me, Visser Two. Soon to be Visser One, now that that human   
fool has been demoted.  
Hotaru: Hang in there, Sailor Senshi! I can fix it all up again. *closes her eyes and starts to   
focus on her healing powers*  
Erek: Oh my God, the senshi are coming back to life… and bit by bit, Hotaru is fading away!!   
She's becoming a little girl! The senshi are alive, but Hotaru is a little girl. Whoa, this is   
way out of my league. I'm leaving.  
Visser Two: What extraordinary powers.  
Young Hotaru: Yaaayyyy!!!!! All the senshi are alive again!!! Yaaaaayyyy! The senshi win, the   
senshi win!!!! Yaaayyyyyy!  
Eternal Moon: *laughs* Well, as you can see, the senshi have once again prevailed. See you next   
time, but for now, ja mata! 


	3. Tuxedo Kamen vs. Barney

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 3: Tuxedo Kamen vs. Barney the Purple Dinosaur  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us   
because… well, just don't. We know we said all that crap before, but… oh well. We don't give a   
damn, and neither should you! Have fun, and enjoy life! By the way, we think Barney is pathetic   
and neither of us watch it, so we had to do this as a one-on-one battle; the only character we   
know is Barney! Ja ne!  
  
Haruka: Yo. Welcome to episode three of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch, the show where our favourite   
female warriors kick ass. I'm Teno'u Haruka, also known as the magnificent Sailor Uranus,   
protector of the sky. I'm your commentator for today, and our guest commentator is Mister Happy,   
who most unfortunately has been re-incarnated from the first episode by Fire Angel to piss   
everyone off.  
Narrator: Hellooooooooooo, everybody! I'm alive again, and it's soooooooo nice to see you all   
smiling! Oh… you're frowning now… umm… but anyway, with the Teletubsters all deceased, I've   
become a heeee-uge fan of Barney! Don't ya all love Barney, kids?!  
Haruka: Oooooo-kay. Well, now that you've gotten that out of your system, let's introduce today's  
warriors! On the side of the Sailor Senshi, we have the magnificent warrior of the night. The   
awesome, the cool, the super-powerful, the majestic, the awfully hot… please don't kill me   
Michiru… Tuxedo Kamen!  
*In the audience, Michiru glowers as Tux walks into the arena*  
Kamen: Konnichiwa, minna! Haruka… you think I'm hot?  
Haruka: Umm… *sweatdrop* did I say that? Cause I don't think I said that… I think you're   
imagining things… umm… what about the contestant from your side, Overly Cheerful Man?  
Narrator: On the side of… the opponents, we have the… the… super-cool… the uh… really big and   
purple… dinosaur person… Barney the Purple Dinosaur!  
Barney: Hello, boys and girls! How are we today?  
Audience: *extremely loud booing noises*  
From the audience… Zell Dincht (Final Fantasy 8): Booooooooo! I hate any type of dinosaur…   
especially those damned T-Rexuars… oooohh! That cute girl over there is selling hot dogs! Balamb   
hot dogs! I loooooooove hot dogs!  
Barney: Are you booing me, boys and girls?  
Zell: Well, duh. OF COURSE WE ARE, YOU DINOSAUR NIT-WIT!  
Barney: *bursts into tears*  
Narrator: Zell, how could you?! You made poor old Barney cry!  
Haruka: Can we just get on with this?  
!!DING!!  
Barney: *standing up* Excuse me, mister Cloaked-ed Mask…  
Kamen: It's Tuxedo Kamen.  
Barney: Oh… uh… Tuxedo C-c-c-carmen… can we just be friends? It's easier to be friends than to   
fight. See? *singing* I love you, you love me, we're a happy…  
Haruka: With a simple flick of his wrist, Tuxedo Kamen delivers a rose right into Barney's left   
eye. Ouch, dudes. That's gotta hurt.  
Narrator: Oh NO! BARNEY'S HURT! Oh, poor Barney is hurt… there's blood gushing out of his eye… oh  
this is awful!  
Haruka: Oh. There goes another rose! Straight into the other eye! Tuxedo Kamen-sama is showing no  
mercy this evening, folks!  
Narrator: BAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!  
From god knows where up above… Fire Angel: Yo, Satan's Angel. Is it just me, or is   
Mister-happy-go-lucky-narrator-dude really getting annoying?  
From god knows where down below… Satan's Angel: This never woulda happened if you hadn't been   
Miss Nice and decided to bring him back to life. I warned you, but you don't listen to me, do   
you? No, uh uh!  
Narrator: Shut up you two! Barney's DYING!  
Satan's Angel: Did you just tell me to shut up? Did YOU just tell ME to SHUT UP? Shut this up,   
you fucking wanker.  
Haruka: Well, it looks like I'm the only commentator now. A huge pitchfork just came smashing   
through the glass of the commentator's booth to pierce Happy through the heart. Ohh… how sad.  
Satan's Angel: Bring him back to life, Rinny, and I'll shoot you.  
Fire Angel: Well SO-REE.  
Haruka: Can we PLEASE get on with this? I'm enjoying the bloodshed.  
From the audience… Kaiou Michiru: Fine then, Haruka. First you say Mamoru-sama is cute and now   
you're enjoying bloodshed? You're dumped.  
Haruka: Dammit!  
Barney: Oh my goodness, boys and girls! The commentator is a homosexual! That's against the rules  
of being good little boys and girls!  
Haruka: Shut up!  
Kamen: Shouldn't you be dead? You're bleeding from both eyes!  
Barney: I'm a dinosaur, you dickhead. Do you think poking me with a rose is going to kill me off?  
From the audience… Relm Arrowny (Final Fantasy 6): *gasps* Barney said a naughty word!?  
From the audience… Eiko Carol (Final Fantasy 9): Barney is a very naughty dinosaur! He said a   
naughty word!  
From the audience… Chibi-Chibi: Chibi chibi chibi chibi!  
From the audience… Translator: Translation. Let's all go kill Barney!  
From the audience… Chibi-Usa: Yeah! Let's all go kill Barney! Because Barney said a naughty word!  
All the children: Barney said a naughty word!  
Haruka: And from the audience, Relm Arrowny, Chibi-Usa, Chibi-Chibi and Eiko Carol are running to  
attack Barney, with all the little kids backing them up. As they pound into him in a furious   
stampede, Tuxedo Kamen lunges with a dagger at Barney… hang on, where'd he get the dagger from?!  
Kamen: Barney had it.  
Relm: *gasps* Barney had a dagger!?  
Eiko: Barney is a very naughty dinosaur! He had a dagger!  
Chibi-Chibi: Chibi chibi chibi chibi!  
Translator: Translation. Let's stab Barney until there's blood all over the ground!  
Chibi-Usa: KIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!  
Haruka: Oh my god, this is gruesome and utterly horrifying. At the moment, the kids… oh, yuck…   
they just ripped out his heart and Tuxedo Kamen is holding it up like a trophy… oh this is   
disgusting… oh yuck.  
Kamen: I WON! I am the KING! I ROCK!  
Haruka: Well… err… it looks like Barney the ridiculously purple dinosaur has been defeated in a   
gruesome, disgusting battle to the death. Frankly, I'd like to say I'm glad we don't have to deal  
with him anymore. Tune in next week for Sailor Senshi Deathmatch Episode Four, to see the new   
opponents for our senshi. Ja mata! 


	4. Inner Senshi & Usagi vs. Inner Scouts & ...

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 4: The Inner Senshi & Usagi vs. The Inner Scouts & Serena  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us   
because… well, just don't. We know that this disclaimer is practically identical than any other   
one, but if you e-mail us and tell us that… you'll die, just like 'Mister Happy' did in episode   
three. Anyway, enjoy! Ja ne!  
  
A Very Small Note from Fire Angel: I know this sort of thing has been done before (as in Japanese  
senshi vs. American scouts) and frankly, I don't give a damn. Satan's Angel and I wanted to add   
the 'Angelic Touch', as I like to call it. So go screw yourself before even thinking about   
complaining (please don't take that the wrong way; I love all my fans and don't wanna lose any).  
  
A Very Small Note from Satan's Angel: Hi. Please excuse Fire Angel's 'don't give a damn'   
attitude. And as for the 'go screw yourself and don't take it the wrong way' business, I think   
that's a little too gross, if ya know what I mean. Well, I'd like to say a quick… AMERICA CAN'T   
DUB FOR SHIT!!! And I'll seeya in hell!!! bAi bAi.  
  
Chibi-Usa: Heeeeeeeellllllllooooo!!!!!! Welcome to episode four of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch, the   
show where my mama and her friends kick a…  
From the audience… Neo-Queen Serenity: Don't say that word, honey.  
Chibi-Usa: *sweatdrop* Bottom. Anyway, I'm Tsukino Chibi-Usa, who everyone knows as the cutest   
warrior around, Sailor Chibi Moon! Yay!!!!  
Rini: You're not the cutest warrior around, I am! I am Rini, otherwise known as Sailor Mini Moon   
and you're taking my hairstyle!  
Chibi-Usa: I am not taking your hairstyle, it's my mama's. But anyway, in case you haven't   
guessed, our challengers for the Sailor Senshi are… err… the Sailor… umm… er, sorry, I can't read  
English very well… Skurts? The Sailor Skurts?  
Rini: It's not Skurts, it's Scouts, you dumba…  
From the audience… the other Neo-Queen Serenity: Don't say that word, honey.  
Rini: *sweatdrop* Bottom. You dumbbottom, you.  
Chibi-Usa: *sweatdrop* Okay, so for today's battle, we have the super-cool Inner Senshi with my   
mama! Usagi-sama, Ami-sama, Rei-sama, Mako-sama and Minako-sama!   
Inner Senshi: Konnichiwa, minnasan!  
Rini: And the challengers, the even cooler Inner Scouts, with my mommy! Serena, Amy, Raye, Lita   
and Mina!  
Inner Scouts: Err… Hello.  
Rini: Woohoo! Let the battle begin!  
!!DING!!  
Serena: Quick girls, let's transform before they do! Moon Crystal Power!  
Amy: Mercury Star Power!  
Raye: Mars Star Power!  
Lita: Jupiter Star Power!  
Mina: Venus Star Power!  
Inner Scouts: Sailor Scout Power!  
Rini: Yay! They did it before yours, they did it before yours! Nah nah nah nah nah!  
Chibi-Usa: That's only because MY mama's is more impressive! Come on, Sailor Senshi, transform   
already!  
Usagi: You heard her girls! Let's go! Moon Eternal, Make Up!  
Ami: Mercury Crystal Power, Make Up!  
Rei: Mars Crystal Power, Make Up!  
Makoto: Jupiter Crystal Power, Make Up!  
Minako: Venus Crystal Power, Make Up!  
Inner Scouts: *sweatdrops* Eh?  
Sailor Moon: I have a feeling they are far more powerful than us. Waaaaahhhhh, I wanna be more   
powerful than they are!  
Eternal Moon: You will never be more powerful than us! Because we are the original Sailor Senshi!  
You… are just a cheap copy with a screwed up voice! I don't like it when people rip on my show!   
For love and justice, I am the pretty, sailor-suited fighter, Sailor Moon! In place of the moon,  
I will punish you!  
Sailor Moon: No, it's… I am Sailor Moon, champion of luurrve and justice. In the name of the   
Moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil… and that means you!  
Rini: Hurry up and pull her hair or something, mommy!  
Sailor Moon: Oh, heaps cool idea! Thanks, Rini!  
*Sailor Moon pulls Eternal Moon's hair. With a cry of anger, Eternal Moon pulls Sailor Moon's   
hair. Sailor Moon pulls Eternal Moon's hair again. It continues*  
Chibi-Usa: *sweatdrop* Uhh… mama? Mama, pulling her hair isn't going to hurt her much. Mama?   
*sighs* Well, come on, Ami-sama, give Amy something to weep about!  
Rini: Amy! Use Mercury Bubbles Blast or something!  
Chibi-Usa: Mercury what what? What's th… oh. It's Shabon Spray. Well, folks, Dub Sailor Mercury   
just used… er… Mercury Bubbles Blast… which is commonly known as Shabon Spray. There's one small   
thing she forgot though… Ami-chan is also Sailor Mercury… she can see through it.  
Super Mercury: Try this on for size, you weak copy of myself! *pulls out her harp* Mercury Aqua   
Rhapsody!  
Sailor Mercury: What's Mercury Aqua Rhapsody? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
Chibi-Usa: Heehee! Ami-sama's copy has just been frozen! Heehee!  
Super Mercury: Mercury Aqua Magic!  
Rini: No! Amy! Ewwwwwww… oh yuck, that's disgusting.  
Chibi-Usa: *cheerfully* For those who had to turn away from the television set, Ami-sama's attack  
was too much for her frozen double, who exploded upon impact. Now there's bits of frozen Sailor   
Mercury all over the arena.  
Super Mercury: Oops.  
Rini: Oops is right! You just killed Amy! AMMMMMYYYYYYYY, WAKE UP!!!!!  
Chibi-Usa: She's not gonna wake up, Rini.  
Rini: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
Chibi-Usa: Okay, let's see what Rei-sama and Mirror Mars are doing. Ooohh… this is interesting.   
Their powers seem to be almost evenly matched. Seeing as Raye also has the fire power within her,  
her power seems to be building off of Rei-sama's…  
Rini: Maybe Raye'll become strong enough and kill Rei!  
Chibi-Usa: I don't think so, little copy of me. *pats Rini on the head* I don't think so, but   
it's nice to dream, I guess.  
Sailor Mars: Why do you keep attacking me? You realise I'm just absorbing your power and becoming  
even stronger than ever.  
Super Mars: Yeah, I know.  
Sailor Mars: Then why are you doing it? Are you stupid?  
Super Mars: Y'know, if I'm stupid, so are you, because you're based on me. And to answer your   
question, no, I'm not stupid. You've fallen right into my trap.  
Sailor Mars: *blankly* What trap?  
Super Mars: *sweatdrop* Oh, how can my own double be so… vague? Well, Raye, I've got something   
interesting in store for you! Rin, pyou, tou, sha, kai, jin, retsu, sai, zen... Akuryo Taisan!  
Rini: Oh no, what's going on?! One of Amy's exploded hands has flown up and is strangling Raye!   
Hey, that mystical power is only supposed to be used for good!  
Chibi-Usa: That's in your crappy dub. This ain't no crappy dub. This is the real thing, you   
little fu…  
The REAL Neo-Queen Serenity: SMALL LADY!  
Chibi-Usa: Funny person you. Anyway, Rei-sama is right; Dubby Mars has fallen right into her   
trap! The stupid version of Sailor Mars uses a fire attack to blow the hand off… which is pretty   
stupid, considering the fact she's been absorbing all that energy…  
Rini: Aaahhhhh! Oh no, she's burning to death! Oh, this is horrible!   
Chibi-Usa: STAY STILL WHILE YOU BURN, DUB RAYE! YOU'LL MAKE SOMETHING CATCH ON FIRE!   
Rini: Oh no, she's made Lita catch on fire! Someone, put Lita out, or she'll burn to death too!  
Sailor Moon: *stops pulling Eternal Moon's hair* Don't worry, Lita! I'll save you! Does anyone   
have any water?  
Super Jupiter: *pulling a bucket out of nowhere* Here ya go. Use this.  
Rini: Well, gee Makoto, that was pretty stupid. You just stopped another Scout from dying… I   
wouldn't be surprised if your friends kill you!  
Super Jupiter: I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't! Supreme Thunder!  
Rini: Ohhh… NOOOOOOOO, LITA!  
Chibi-Usa: That Andy Heyward dude has really made you lot stupid, hasn't he? I can't believe   
Moonbrain and Thunderhead fell for it!  
Rini: Stop calling my mommy stupid, you sh…  
The FAKE Neo-Queen Serenity: RINI!  
Rini: Sugar-plum fairy, you.  
Chibi-Usa: Meanwhile, the two Venuses seem to have decided that they are equally matched, and   
have turned to the audience to pick who they like best.  
From the audience… Zidane Tribal (Final Fantasy 9): Hey, you. The guy with the cowboy hat and big  
jacket. Which one do you like better?  
From the audience… Irvine Kinneas (Final Fantasy 8): Either one, as long as she'll give me sex.  
Zidane: Yeah, man. I totally agree with you.  
Rini: Mina! Offer them sex, and then they'll let you kill Minako!  
Sailor Venus: *anxiously* Oh Rini, I can't do that! I have SO many American girls looking up to   
me, and it would ruin my image TOTALLY if I did that! Oh, I can't do that, I just can't!  
Super Venus: *raises an eyebrow as she hitches her skirt up just a little higher* I'll give you   
sex.  
*every single male member of the audience starts to look just a little horny*  
From the audience… The guys: YESSSS, GO JAPANESE VENUS!!!!  
From the audience… Selphie Tilmitt (Final Fantasy 8): That's it, I've had enough of you, Venus!   
You're always, always, ALWAYS flirting with my guy! *pulls out her nunchakus* Well, I'm not   
standing for it anymore!  
Chibi-Usa: Oh no, Minako-sama! Selphie threw the nunchakus, and they've hit Venus in the face,   
giving her a nasty black eye and a bloody nose!  
Super Venus: THAT'S IT! I am SICK to DEATH of having my FACE, my beautiful FACE, bashed into a   
PULP!  
Sailor Venus: Hah hah, now they'll never pick you, double! With blood pouring out of your nose   
and a black eye, you're not half as beautiful as me… So Zidane, what are you doing tonight?   
*gasps* Oh, no! My reputation!  
From the audience… Dagger (Final Fantasy 9): I'm getting sick of this. Zidane, do you have that   
knife? The one that I chopped all my hair off with?  
Zidane: Yeah, just be careful with it though.  
Dagger: Alrighty! I won't hurt myself… I'll just hurt that stupid cow that keeps hitting on you!   
YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
Rini: VEEEEEEEENNNNNUUUUUSSSSSS! Oh no, Mina's been stabbed in the chest by Dagger's… er… dagger.  
There's blood all over her sailor suit… oh no, this is awful!  
Chibi-Usa: Yes! That's four impostors down, one to go! Come on, mama! Get rid of that stupid c…  
The REAL Neo-Queen Serenity: SMMMMAAAAAALLLLL LLLLLAAADDDDYYYY!!!!!  
Chibi-Usa: Err… clown. Yeah, get rid of the stupid clown!  
Sailor Moon: You'll never win against me! I am Sailor Moon!  
Eternal Moon: Yeah? Well I'm Eternal Sailor Moon! Silver Moon Crystal Power Kiss!  
Sailor Moon: Moon Scepter Elimination!  
Rini: Oh, my God! The attacks seem to be cancelling each other out! What's happening? Are they   
both going to die?  
Sailor Moon: If I have to die, I'm taking you with me! And it doesn't matter anyway, because   
whenever you die, I always seem to find a way to live!  
Eternal Moon: Well whenever I die, I always pop up alive again anyway! And besides, the original  
is always far stronger than a stupid copy! In place of the Moon, I'll punish you! Onegai,   
Ginzuishou! Give me strength!  
Chibi-Usa: Woohoo! Go the real Sailor Moon! Go, mama!  
Rini: Nooooooo, MOMMY!  
*The FAKE Neo-Queen Serenity mysteriously disappears from the audience as Sailor Moon dies*  
Rini: What's going on? I'm fading away! Oh, no! With no mommy, I don't exist! NO!  
Chibi-Usa: Heehee. Looks like the senshi win once more. Tune in next time for Sailor Senshi   
Deathmatch, everyone's favourite show. Only on the Anime Channel. Have fun, and we'll see you   
next week. Ja mata! 


	5. Inner Senshi vs. Pokemon

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 5: The Inner Senshi vs. Marill, Vulpix, Pikachu & Togepi  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us   
because… well, just don't. And don't tell us we start each deathmatch with the same disclaimer,   
or… we'll… err… umm… yes, that's what we'll do. So beware!  
  
A Very Small Note from Fire Angel: We had a request from Sailor Shining Star to do Ronin Warrior   
at some stage. Err… unfortunately, we know nothing about Ronin Warrior (and in a way, we're glad   
of that fact) but if anyone else wants to see us kill the characters from that show, well, please  
e-mail us some information. That would be nice. In the meantime, we've treated you with the   
deaths of everyone's… err… favourite… err… Pokémon.   
  
A Very Small Note from Satan's Angel: Yes and hello to all. As was said above, who the hell are   
Ronin Warriors?? Sorry about that, but I tend to put things much more cruelly than Fire Angel. If  
that offended anyone, oops. Yes, well e-mail us if you want us to do a death match on those   
weirdo characters (or if you don't for that matter!), at fizzy86@hotmail.com (me) or at   
rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com (Fire Angel).  
  
Michiru: Good evening, and welcome to episode five of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch, the show where   
everyone's favourite female warriors defeat all opposition who dare to face them. I am Kaiou   
Michiru, better known as the beautiful warrior of the oceans, Sailor Neptune, and I am your   
commentator today. I'd like you to give a big round of applause for our guest commentator… who   
appears to be a talking Pokémon.  
Meowth: Hi, I'm Meowth. In case you haven't guessed yet, the contestants today are four Pokémon   
trainers and their Pokémon. Introducing… Tracey and Marill, Brock and Vulpix, Misty and Togepi,   
and ASH KETCHUM AND HIS PIKACHU!!!!!  
*big applause from the audience as the trainers walk in with their Pokémon*  
From the audience… Mrs. Ketchum: Wooooohooooo! GO HONEY! YOU'D BETTER BE WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR!  
Ash: *sweatdrop* Uhh… mum, you're embarrassing me!  
Michiru: And, on the champions' team, we have the all-famous, even dub-famous, Inner Senshi!   
Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Venus… and just for the hell of it, SAILOR JUPITER!  
Inner Senshi: Konnichiwa, minna!   
Sailor Venus: For peace, love and very short skirts, we are the Inner Senshi!  
Misty: No, it's… *strikes a very 'Venus' pose* I am Misty, and I stand for peace, love and…   
Pokémon!  
Sailor Venus: *sweatdrop* You have no idea, girlfriend.  
Meowth: Can we start now? Because I'm getting bored. Please?  
Michiru: All right. On with the show!  
!!DING!!  
Michiru: At the moment, the Pokémon are standing, looking blankly at the senshi, while the senshi  
'ooh' and 'aah' over the 'cuteness' of the Pokémon. Come on guys, this is getting sooooo boring   
already!  
Tracey: Come on Marill, use an attack of some sort, type and description. I know! Marill! Use   
WATER GUN!  
Marill: Marill Marill! *shoots water from its mouth at Mercury* Marill Marill Marill Marill!  
Sailor Mercury: Oh, what a shame. What a crying shame. I'm all wet. Boo. Hoo. Oh, I am so sad.   
Boohoo indeed.  
Sailor Venus: *bursts into tears* You're a jerk, Tracey! You made Mercury cry, and your Pokémon   
wet her dress! I'm not sure which is the greater sin! *ponders over this for a second* YOU WET   
HER DRESS, YOU JERK!  
Meowth: *sweatdrop* God, that Venus chick is a ditz.  
Michiru: Thanks for pointing that out, Meowth. I never would have guessed, otherwise. Anyway…   
Mercury retaliates with a quick blast of ice directed at Marill AND Tracey… err… aren't they only  
supposed to attack the Pokémon?? Ah, well. Both of them are frozen and unconscious now, as a   
sobbing Nurse Joy drags them off stage.  
Nurse Joy: *sobbing* Oh, you poor, poor boy! And your poor Pokémon! Don't worry, Marill, we'll   
have you and your trainer all fixed up very soon!  
Meowth: What's that girl in green and pink doing? She appears to be… uh… dragging a… er…   
microwave onto the stage… err… why?  
Michiru: I think she's got an easy way to get rid of Pikachu. Walking over to the little guy, she  
picks him up and stuffs him in the microwave. Ooh. Highest setting for half an hour. I don't   
think he's gonna live through this.  
*TICK TOCK… for half an hour, audience and contestants look on in awe*  
Sailor Jupiter: All done! *opens the microwave and pulls a very dead Pikachu out*  
From the audience… Quina Quen: YUMMY-YUMMIES!  
*Quina dashes to the stage, grabs the cooked Pikachu, and dashes off again, shoving the Pokémon   
into her/his mouth*  
Ash: No, Pikachu! You killed my Pikachu! Chikorita, I choose you!  
Michiru: Hey, that's not in the rules! You can't pull out another Pokémon!  
Ash: YOU THINK I CARE?!?!?!?!?!  
Meowth: Steve? GET HIM!  
*Steve, the bodyguard from 'Jerry Springer', storms out and drags Ash and Chikorita off. Ash is   
screaming the entire time*  
Sailor Venus: You know, you Pokémon trainers are beginning to get on my nerves. Well, except for   
you… *smiles flirtatiously at Brock* You're cute.  
Brock: You think so? Maybe we could go on a date sometime. Just you and me! We're gonna be   
together forever, Nurse… err… Officer… I mean, Sailor Venus!  
Misty: *sweatdrop* You really get on my nerves, you know that, Brock? And this Venus is kinda   
annoying too. She's just like you, except she's a girl! Togepi, get this slutty chick and bring   
her to her knees! Use Metronome, NOW!  
Togepi: *waving arms from side to side* Togepriiiii! Toge-toge-priiiiiii!  
Michiru: In the heat of the moment, Togepi suddenly uses the Cut attack. Oops. Looks like he got   
Sailor Venus across the face. Here we go, tantrum time!  
Sailor Venus: WHAT THE HELL?!!!??!??!?!?! I'M GOING TO KILL THE CREATORS OF THIS THING!!!  
From Hell… Satan's Angel: *sitting forward in her throne suddenly* Say what?  
Sailor Venus: Oh. I mean… err… DIE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT-SMELLING EGG!! VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!  
From Heaven… Fire Angel: *relaxing back onto her throne* THAT'S what I like to hear, Sailor   
Venus.  
Meowth: *bawling his eyes out* No, Togepi! I didn't want it to be like this! Togepi, you can't   
die! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
Michiru: Err… but don't you hate these guys, Meowth?  
Meowth: Yeah, all besides Togepi! I RAISED Togepi like he was my own! And then that little brat   
took him away from me!  
Michiru: Well, she's not a 'little brat' anymore. In the explosion that followed Sailor Venus'   
angry cry, both Misty and her Pokémon were destroyed. Looks like it's just Brock and his   
weird-looking… is it Vulpix?… left now to fight against four remaining senshi.  
Sailor Mars: It's okay girls. Let ME handle this one.  
Brock: *sweatdrop* Aahahaha… umm… hello. Do you think we could… errr… get some sort of deal going  
here…? Errr… you let me go… err… and I'll do all your housework for a month… yes, that's what   
I'll do… yes.  
Sailor Mars: *appears to be considering the deal, then shrugs* Why not? You're free to go. But   
your Pokémon isn't! FIRE SOUL!!!  
Brock: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! *leaps towards Vulpix, and both get burnt to a crisp*  
Ash: *breaking free from Steve's grip* NO! I will not let the name of Pokémon Trainers be   
destroyed! I will take out these girls single handedly… only with the help of my Pokémon!   
Chikorita, Squirtle and Bulbasaur… let's go!  
*Ash lunges towards Sailor Venus, and finds himself gripping her… err… assets. The shocked look   
on his face changes to a grin as he realises what he's done*  
From the audience… Zidane (FF9) and Irvine (FF8): YEEEEEEHHAAWWWW! Go AAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
Male members of the audience: *break into annoying chant* Go Ash! Go Ash! Go Ash! Go Ash! Go Ash!  
*several slaps follow the chant, and the chant is stopped, as many red-cheeked boys face their   
lovers/companions/associates/sluts/friends/wives/or women they just happen to be sitting next to*  
Zidane: *mumbles* Sorry, Dagger. Sorry, Eiko. I know you both love me… and I love you too,   
Dagger… but she is very beautiful, you know. Plus, she's got big…  
*two more slapping noises are heard in the sudden silence*  
Zidane: Owwwww…  
*Venus reluctantly pushes Ash away, then knocks him to the ground*  
Sailor Venus: Wanna play dirty, huh? Well THIS is DIRTY!  
Michiru: Oh. Phew. She just jammed her heel into Ash's family jewels. To tell you the truth, I   
was expecting her to get down and dirty with him, so to speak. And I REALLY didn't wanna see   
that… no way, no how. Man, that would hurt, though!  
Irvine: *winces* I feel your pain, Ash! I feel your pain!  
Meowth: You know, this fight is beginning to get a little boring. Rightfully, the senshi have   
already won, as all their opponents have been defeated. Ash broke the rules by sending out his   
remaining Pokémon, so I say we kill him and end this match!  
Members of the audience: KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!  
Sailor Venus: *bends over so her mouth is inches away from Ash's* Have fun dying, sweetheart. I   
promise I won't make it painful… *smirks* Well, not much, anyway… Venus Wink Chain Sword!  
Michiru: Owwww… with an attacking cry, Venus drives her sword into Ash's mouth, while driving her  
heel in even further. Owww, owww, ouch!  
Meowth: Well, I'm glad that's over.  
Michiru: Me too. I'm never hosting one of these ever again! It's sooooo disgusting!  
Meowth: Meowth, that's right!  
Michiru: Anyway, I believe Venus is off to the plastic surgeon to get her face fixed… AGAIN… and   
that's about all. Once again, the senshi have defeated all opposition, so stay tuned for Sailor   
Senshi Deathmatch episode six… in which they'll kill yet another bunch of so-called innocent   
people… or toys as the case may be…  
Meowth: Toys? They're gonna kill toys?  
Michiru: Oops, I've said too much! Anyway… stay tuned for the next episode, and I'll see you   
later! *with a wink and peace sign totally unlike Michiru* Ja mata! 


	6. Outer Senshi vs. Toy Story

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 6: The Outer Senshi vs. Buzz Lightyear, Woody, Hamm & Slink the Slinky Dog  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us   
because… well, just don't. Yes. It's the same thing yet again. So don't even think about telling   
us that we write the same thing every time… okay? Because writing a disclaimer is not something   
that takes much talent, and we don't want to use up any of ours (heh heh, just joking!).   
  
A Very Small Note from Fire Angel: Hello all, hope you get a kick out of this episode. As was   
said last time, we haven't done Ronin Warriors because we know nothing about them. We are   
considering a series two (due to the popularity of this set), and if we get enough requests for   
various people that are to be killed, we'll do them in that (as we've already got this entire   
series planned out). So, please e-mail us requests!  
  
A Very Small Note from Satan's Angel: Hello everybody!! Yes, well… HI!!! I am proud to say that   
Toy Story is cool and I like it lots and it's really funny and… well, you get my drift… But I   
shall enjoy annihilating the little critters. As was said by F.Angel, who the hell are Ronin   
Warriors and do you want another series? E-mail us your opinions at fizzy86@hotmail.com (ME!!!)   
or rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com (HER!!!). Have fun and enjoy life!  
  
Minako: *flirtatiously* Hi everyone, and welcome to the sixth episode of Sailor Senshi   
Deathmatch, the show in which the warriors of love, justice and short skirts defeat anyone who   
dares to go against them. I'm Aino Minako, but YOU can call me Mina-chan. I'm also known as the   
gorgeous guardian of love, Sailor Venus, or the one, the only, Sailor V! I'm your commentator for  
today, and our guest commentator is a dead ugly T-Rex toy, by the name of… err… Rex.  
Rex: Am I on television? I'm on television!? Really!? REALLY!? HI EVERYONE!!!!! I'M ON TV!!!! HI,  
HI, HI, HI…  
Minako: *sweatdrop* I think we get it, Rex.  
Rex: HI, HI… oh… OK. Hi, I'm Rex… I'm a dinosaur and I like playing Buzz Lightyear on Nintendo…   
and I'm on TV… and uhh… HI.  
Minako: Err… anyways, I'd like to introduce the defending side for the senshi… the outer senshi   
of the outer planets… ahh… the senshi of the outer planets, I mean; Sailor Uranus, Sailor   
Neptune, Sailor Saturn and Sailor Pluto!  
Uranus: She is SUCH a blonde.  
Neptune: *whispering* You're blonde too, Haruka.  
Uranus: Oh. Yeah.  
Saturn & Pluto: Konnichiwa, everyone. We are the Outer Senshi, the defenders of the Sailor   
Senshi's champion title. Five wins in a row!  
From the audience… Squall Leonhart (FF8): I bet they'd lose if they actually had to transform   
while they were on stage. Anyone could kill em while they were transforming!  
Minako: Shut it, cutie.  
Rex: So I'm really on television? Yes? I'm glad I got that sorted… Oh, I'm on! And to challenge   
the senshi, are everyone's favourite toys, ON TV FOR TONIGHT ONLY… Buzz Lightyear, Woody, Hamm   
and Slink the Slinky dog!!!!!!!!!  
Buzz: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!!! Hi everyone I'm Bu…  
Woody: Buzz!! Stop hogging the limelight!!  
Buzz: Woody… It's not lime… it's white, and you would've noticed it if you had paid more   
attention.  
Woody: WHAT!? Well excuuuuuuse mmmme!  
Buzz: What?! I'll… *Grabs Woody and wrestles him to the ground. They begin punching each other*  
Slink: You two stop it! We're on live TV!  
Hamm: TV?! I always wanted to be a star! *A spotlight hovers over him and everything else goes   
black. Hamm appears from the darkness wearing a brown suit and a little bowler hat, and starts   
reciting a scene from his favourite TV show*  
Buzz & Woody: Ahh!!!! *Tackle Hamm from behind and the three of them start rolling around on the   
ground*  
Slink: *Shaking his head* Oh well… I'm Slink.  
Minako: Anyway… let's get on with this, shall we?  
!!DING!!  
Saturn: Ohh… is that Slinky dog?! Oh, he's so cute! C'mere, you gorgeous little doggie you! Come   
on, Slink! Come on, boy!  
*Saturn starts chasing a frightened Slink around the arena*  
Minako: And they're off! And around the first bend they go, Slink in the lead! Saturn is gaining  
quickly though, as her behind seems to be going where she tells it to. Unfortunately for Slink,   
he has to keep stopping and waiting for his hindquarters to catch up to him.  
Rex: As his behind catches up to him, Saturn takes a dive and grabs his tail. She reels him in   
and starts fussing over him.   
Slink: Let me go! Let me go! This isn't funny! LEMME GO!!!!  
Saturn: Ohh… you're so cute! Cute little doggie!  
Minako: Slink looks like he's getting a little sick and tired of Hotaru's fussing. Be careful   
Hotaru, or he'll bite you!  
Saturn: He won't bite me, will you, Slinky Dog? You're such a cute little… oww!  
Minako: Oops. Looks like he bit her. Fury in her eyes, and still holding onto his tail, Sailor   
Saturn gets to her feet. She pulls her glaive out of nowhere and casts her 'Ribbon Revolution'   
attack, a slightly less powerful version of 'Reborn Revolution'. Sharp, metal ribbons are cutting  
into Slink, and he is falling into little pieces.  
Rex: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! *sobbing* How could this happen? Why did she do that… WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?  
Minako: Geez, I'm glad I'm up here. Those ribbons look pretty sharp, and I don't want my poor,   
poor face too… YAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!  
*One of Saturn's ribbons smashes through the glass of the commentator box and cuts Venus across   
the face, leaving her with a scar reminiscent of Squall Leonhart's*  
Minako: AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I AM SOOOOO SICK OF THIS!!! MY POOR FACE! MY POOR, POOR   
FACE!!!  
Saturn: Oops! Sorry, Minako-sama!  
Minako: THAT'S IT, I AM SOOOO OUT OF HERE!!!! *storms out, and a few seconds later Artemis walks   
in to replace her*   
Hamm: Ha! Look at that! She made quite a big fuss over a tiny scratch.  
Squall: Hey, when I got a scratch like that I leapt up and gave the person I was fighting a   
mirror imaged one!  
Hamm: Oh… really… I'll just go and stand over here now… *tries to sneak unsuspiciously off to the  
side of the ring*  
Artemis: Hey, guys! That… PIG TOY is getting away! DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY! HE MADE FUN OF POOR   
MINAKO'S SCRATCH!!!!  
Uranus: Don't worry, Artemis. I'll take this one out!  
Artemis: Hamm squeals in horror as, with one single move, Uranus unsheathes her Space Sword and   
runs it through his middle! WOOOHOOOO!! The PIG is DEAD!  
Rex: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! *sobbing* How could this happen? Why did she do that… WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?  
Artemis: Is that your favourite saying or something?  
Rex: What?! I wasn't paying attention… I was watching the Deathmatch on TV…  
Artemis: You're an IDIOT! THIS IS THE DEATHMATCH! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING IT ON   
TELEVISION?!  
Rex: Then… you mean… HAMM AND SLINK REALLY DIED!?!?!? NOOOOOOO!!!!!! *sobbing* How could this   
happen? Why did she do that… WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?  
Artemis: *sweatdrop* Anyways… meanwhile, Sailor Pluto is trying to grab Woody. Due to his… err…   
shortness… he seems to be more agile, and is easily getting away. Finally, in a move of   
desperation… YEAH! GO PLUTO! She just grabbed him by the drawstring, and she's holding him up   
like a hung man! WOOHOO!  
Woody: Reach for the sky! Somebody's poisoned the waterhole! There's a snake in my boot! Reach   
for the… help me!!!!  
Artemis: Now that she's actually got him, Pluto-san's job is much easier. In a single move, she   
wraps the drawstring around Woody's throat, therefore strangling him. WOOOHOOOOOOO!!!! GO FOR IT,  
SAILOR PLUTO!!! KILLLLLLL HIIMMMMM!!!!!  
Rex: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! *sobbing* How could this happen? Why did she do that… WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?   
WOOOOOOOOODYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!! How could this happen? Why did she do that…   
WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?  
Artemis: Oh, shut up, you useless, good-for-nothing piece of plastic! There's only one of your   
friends left! Why don't you just surrender so poor ol' Buzz won't die, like the rest of your   
loser plastic friends?  
Rex: Well… I guess it would be best, so I guess….  
Buzz: NO!!! I will fight til the end! I'll use my laser against you!! *presses little button on   
his arm and a little red dot of light appears on Sailor Neptune's fuku*  
Neptune: Ohh, ahh… I'm sooooo scared…  
Buzz: See? I told you? I have everyone shaking in their boots… because I am BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!!!!  
Neptune: *looking at her shoes with a sweatdrop* Firstly, they're pumps, not boots, and secondly,  
you are getting on my nerves.  
Artemis: Looks like this battle's over, everyone! Sailor Neptune moves forward to Buzz and pulls   
out her Aquamarine Mirror… oh, damn! He just flew off! Hey wait a minute! He's not supposed to   
fly!  
Rex: That was in the movie! GO BUZZ!   
Neptune: NOW I'M REALLY MAD!!!!!!! TIME TO DIE, BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!  
Uranus: Michiru, remember what happened last time when you…?  
Neptune: SHUT UP HARUKA! THE TOY HAS TO DIE!  
Uranus: Calm down. *starts to put a comforting arm around Sailor Neptune* Just calm down, Michi…  
Neptune: *grabbing Uranus' sword and holding it to the latter's throat* DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!!  
Uranus: Okie dokie. You just go ahead and kill him then. I am going to go find an umbrella… and a  
dinghy. Be right back.  
Michiru: All right then, here goes nothing! DEEEEEEEEEEEP SUBMERRRRRRRRRRRRGE!  
Artemis: I'm so glad we're not down there. The whole place has been flooded with water! That   
Squall dude is floating around, thrashing wildly… but the main thing is… BUZZ LIGHTYEAR IS DEAD,  
DUDE! THAT MEANS THAT THE SENSHI WIN!  
Rex: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! *sobbing* How could this happen? Why did she do that… WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?  
Squall: HEEEELLLLLPPPPP ME, I CAN'T FRICKING SWIM!!!!!!  
Uranus: *holding a sopping umbrella above her as she floats out of the arena in a rubber dinghy*   
Geez. That was worse than last time.  
Artemis: Well, I'm proud to say that the senshi have once again annihilated all opposition that   
stand in their way. Next week… no… next fortnight, as we'll have to rebuild the arena now… the   
senshi will go against yet another tough opposition! See you next time. Ja mata! 


	7. Inner Senshi vs. Resident Evil

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 7: The Inner Senshi vs. Claire Redfield, Jill Valentine, Leon Scott Kennedy, & Carlos   
Oliveira  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us   
because… well, just don't. Hah hah hah, we should really think of something different to say   
here… but… oh well! It's not like anyone reads this crap anywayz, so why are we wasting our   
breath?  
  
A Very Small Note from Fire Angel: The thing I want to know is… DOES anyone actually read   
disclaimers? Cos if they don't, I'm one stuffed cookie. Not that you'd care anywayz, cos if you   
don't read disclaimers, you're not reading this, are you? So why am I going on like this? Don't   
ask me, cos I don't know. Anywayz, have fun and enjoy the episode. Bai.   
  
A Very Small Note from Satan's Angel: Yelloo… hi. Well, I just thought I'd say that F.Angel is   
not her usual, well… pulled together self at this point in time. This is NOT my fault, so don't   
even think of blaming me… it's all… ZACH'S fault (If you don't know Zach, maybe that's a good   
thing, seeming as sometimes I wish I didn't…. did I say that out loud just now? Never mind…).   
E-mail us your opinions at fizzy86@hotmail.com (Of me-ness!) or rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com   
(Of Fire…ness… um… yeah…!). Have fun and enjoy life!  
  
Setsuna: Good evening everyone. Welcome to the seventh episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch… the   
show in which the coolest warriors of love and justice defeat any opposition that have the   
courage to defy them. I'm Meiou Setsuna, also known as the enigmatic Sailor Pluto, the guardian   
of time! I'm your commentator for today, and I'd like to introduce our guest commentator… a   
creature created by a mysterious virus - the Nemesis!  
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S…  
Setsuna: Excuse me?  
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S…  
Setsuna: *sweatdrop* Err… Sumimasen, I don't understand.  
*the Nemesis starts to reply, but the phone rings and he picks it up, answering with a grunt. He   
listens to a yelling voice for a minute, grunts again, then hangs up*  
Nemesis: Hi. I'm the Nemesis, but YOU can call me Nemmie.  
*the phone rings again, answered with a very flirtatious hello from the Nemesis. He listens, then  
hangs up*  
Nemesis: Sorry. My producer says I was being TOO nice. Anyway, I'm here representing tonight's   
challenging team… a small group of young adults who fight to protect a little town from the likes  
of… me. Claire Redfield, Jill Valentine, Leon Scott Kennedy and Carlos Oliveira!  
Carlos: Hi! Hello everybody! Bonjour! Ni hao! Konnichiwa! Aloha! ¿Cómo Estás? Gesundheit… err… I   
mean… ah, crap.  
Setsuna: *sweatdrop* Right… anyway, here we have the champions of love, justice and all that… the  
Inner Senshi!  
Inner Senshi: Konnichiwa, minnasan!  
Carlos: Can't you think of anything more inventive to say?  
Mars: How about… you open your cute little mouth again and I'll kick that hot ass of yours into   
next week?  
Carlos: Uhh… konnichiwa was definitely better. Stick with that.  
Nemesis: Now that that little tiff is settled… LET THE MATCH BEGIN!!!!!  
!!DING!!  
Setsuna: And the game has begun with a cheer. Jill waves to the crowd and pulls out a rather   
large rocket launcher and gets down on one knee to aim. She certainly isn't wasting any time   
fooling around.  
Carlos: *Looks down at Jill who has knelt just beside him* Look, Jill. I know you love me - All   
women do - but can we just get on with the game? You can propose to me later.  
Nemesis: And the sound of hand to flesh at an extremely high speed can be heard around the arena.  
Carlos stumbles back as Jill starts to aim again.   
Setsuna: Jill is taking her sweet time, all right. But Claire is there to protect her from Sailor  
Jupiter, as the latter attacks with a flurry of hard punches.  
Jupiter: What? You think you can stop me? ME?! From getting through?! Ha you must be jok…  
*Claire brandishes an automatic rifle and points it calmly at Jupiter's head*  
Claire: I've had too deal with zombies and the like, so compared to that, YOU'RE nothing.  
Setsuna: And Jupiter is backing off, trying not to let fear show on her face…  
Nemesis: Meanwhile, Jill seems to have the rocket launcher ready to go… she's aiming it at   
Jupiter, whose eyes are carefully watching Claire…  
Setsuna: Sailor Jupiter, look out!  
Nemesis: Jill fires the rocket launcher… and… WHAT?! HOW DOES THAT WORK OUT?!  
Setsuna: Wow! Sailor Mars saw the danger to Jupiter and managed to flame the rocket while it flew  
towards her, blowing it up upon impact. There's too much smoke; it's hard to see if anyone got   
hurt… Someone turn on the high-speed fans!  
Nemesis: Oh. No.  
Setsuna: It looks like Sailor Mars hit the rocket just as it flew past Claire… I think she's   
dead…  
Nemesis: You think? You THINK?! LOOK at her, her blood and guts are splattered all over the   
arena! Her arm is in the audience, for crying out loud. Her head is…  
Setsuna: I GET THE POINT!  
Leon: CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRREEEEEEE!!!  
From the audience… Chris Redfield (Claire's brother): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!   
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRREEEEEEE!!!  
Nemesis: I think the cop's angry.  
Setsuna: Yeah, me too. He's brandishing a magnum and pointing it straight at Sailor Mars, a look   
of fury and pain on his face.  
Mars: *sarcastically* Oh wow. A magnum. I am sooooooooo scared. I am going to run away now.  
Leon: You think I'm joking, don't you?! I'm not joking, I'm going to kill you for what you did to  
Claire!  
Mars: What? Killed her?  
Leon: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
Chris: Go Leon! KICK THAT BITCH'S SHORT-SKIRTED ASS!  
Nemesis: Leon looks ready to completely murder the warrior of love and fire, but all of a sudden   
his gun is encased in a block of ice.  
Mercury: I will not allow you to destroy Sailor Mars! She was merely defending Sailor Jupiter,   
and it was purely an accident that she killed Claire!  
Setsuna: Leon's gun… it isn't waterproof, is it?  
Nemesis: No, it isn't. Why do you ask?  
Setsuna: Because… when the ice melts into water, Leon's gun will be completely useless, as water  
will have gotten into it. Sailor Mars, melt the ice! Melt the ice, it'll render his gun useless!   
MELT THE ICE!  
Mars: Gotcha, Setsuna-sama. FIRE SOUL!  
Leon: Well, that was a pretty dumb move. Now I can kill you, Sailor Mars! Prepare to descend into  
the depths of hell!  
Nemesis: And he attempts to fire his gun… with no success.  
Leon: What? Why isn't this working? What's going on?  
*Leon turns the gun around to have a look. He mucks around with the trigger, and as he does so,   
Sailor Mars sends a gentle stream of fire to evaporate the water in the gun*  
Carlos: LEON! That's it bitch, you're dead! *pulls a knife from his weapon belt* WHAT?! A KNIFE?!  
Why in God's name do I get a KNIFE?! I'm supposed to be the guy with the heavy artillery!!  
From the realms of God… Fire Angel: Don't question us, Carlos. We chose to give you a knife, so   
you've got a knife.  
From the realms of Satan… Satan's Angel: So stop complaining and get on with the battle!!!!  
Setsuna: There goes Leon's head, flying halfway across the arena and landing by Venus' feet.  
Venus: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!! *wistfully* Oh, he used to be so cute!  
Carlos: Him? Cute? I don't think so. I am the cute one here. All the foxy ladies love my accent.  
It drives em crazy!  
Venus: *sweatdrop* What does your accent have to do with your sex appeal?  
Carlos: C'mon Sailor Venus. You know you want me.  
Venus: *ponders that thought* Actually, he might be right.  
Nemesis: What type of strategic move is that?! Sailor Venus just pinched Carlos' butt!  
Carlos: Wha?! *spins around, tightly gripping his knife*  
Venus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Setsuna: *giggling* Oops. When Carlos spun around, he managed to cut Venus across the face. Oh,   
God.  
Nemesis: Why is she so angry?  
Setsuna: So far, she's been cut across the face in EVERY death match she's been in. She got cut   
by glass, scratched by a wolf, slashed by a dagger, cut by a seemingly innocent and helpless   
Pokémon, and hit by one of Sailor Saturn's attacks. In fact, the only episode she HASN'T been   
hurt in is episode three!  
Nemesis: Aah. I think that this is the end of Carlos.  
Setsuna: So do I.  
Carlos: Uh oh… please don't hurt me. It was just an…  
Venus: VENUS WINK CHAIN SWORD!!!!!!!!!!! VENUS FUCKING WINK CHAIN SWORD!!!!  
Setsuna: *covering her eyes* Ohhhhhhhh yuck.  
Nemesis: Coooool! BLOOOOOODD!!!!!!  
Venus: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE HACKED UP INTO LITTLE TINY PIECES, YOU MORON?! HOW DOES IT   
FEEL?!!!?!? HUH?!!? HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!?!?!?  
Jill: I don't think he can really answer you. He's, ah... a little, well, cut up at the moment.  
Venus: SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH, YOU BITCH!!!!  
Jill: *sarcastically* Ooooohhhh, I'm really scared…  
Venus: SHUT YOUR FACE! JUST SHUT UP, YOU BITCH! SHUT UP!  
Jill: Ooh. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do, huh? I'm the one sittin' pretty with the huge gun,  
so you'd better not get me pissed off, little girl.  
Venus: SHUT UP!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!  
Nemesis: I'm getting sick of this. I think the odds are a little unfair. Jill, up against the   
Sailor Senshi? I'd better put her out of her misery…  
Setsuna: Err… we only have one commentator now, as the other one seems to have entered the ring…  
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S…  
*the phone rings, and Setsuna picks it up*  
Setsuna: No, he's not here, he's down on the ring. No, he's too busy to speak right now. Yes,   
I'll let him know you called. Thankyou, goodbye!  
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S…  
Jill: No! It can't be!  
Setsuna: Jill is extremely white faced. I think she might be just a little scared…  
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S…  
Setsuna: Jill aims her launcher at Nemesis, just as he aims his at her… Woah woah woah woah woah   
woah woah! OH MY GOD!  
*the two rockets collide, and smoke fills the arena. All that can be heard is a resounding boom,   
many screams, squelches of blood and a roar from the Nemesis*  
Setsuna: What's going on? I can't see! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
*as the smoke clears, it is possible to see the arena has been completely destroyed, taking with   
it the lives of the audience members, Jill and the Nemesis. The commentator's booth has smashed   
to the ground, but Setsuna lives. Apart from her, only the senshi are left standing*  
Setsuna: Oh my God, the arena's completely destroyed. But it doesn't matter, because the senshi   
have won yet again! They have destroyed their pitiful opposition once more!  
Mars: But hang on… won't this be the end, because there's no arena any more?  
Setsuna: Don't worry, we'll find a way to take care of it. We're the sailor senshi, right?  
Jupiter: And in the meantime?  
Setsuna: We'll think of something, don't worry! Anyway, the senshi have won, so that's the end of  
today's show… obviously. We'll see you next time on Sailor Senshi Deathmatch! Ja ne! 


	8. Inner Senshi vs. Evangelion

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 8: The Inner Senshi vs. Asuka Langely Souryu, Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami, Misato Katsuragi  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us   
because… well, just don't. Yeah, yeah. Same old, same old. Trademark line. Whatever. Think we   
give a damn?… actually… maybe we do… NOT!!!!!!! So deal with it, and don't even think about   
complaining. So there!   
  
A Very Small Note from Fire Angel: Hello, darlings. I'm in a better mood than last time now, I am  
actually quite sane (if that's even possible for me). It's really cold at the moment, cos it's   
the middle of winter in skip-land, and Satan's Angel (the sweetheart) and I are sittin here at   
her computer freezing our cute little butts off! Dears, there's no way I'm poking THIS nose   
outside, nuh uh! And to think, it was sooooo sunny yesterday! Anyway, you know the drill,   
darlings, e-mail us if you've got comments, and I'll stop speaking like Celine from Star Ocean 2.  
Bye bye! By the way darlings, Big Kev is an Australian guy who sells Australian-made products and  
likes saying "I'm excited." 'Jota' is from the Australian Big Brother; Ben liked to say it, and   
it is North Korean for 'very good'. So, enjoy, darlings.  
  
A Very Small Note from Satan's Angel: Howdie peoplez! And how are you on this rather cold  
afternoon? Well, if a: you're in front of a heater, b: it's the middle of summer or c: you're   
actually reading this at night, NEEERRRR to you indeed! I mean… how pleasant indeed. As Doctor   
Evil says, 'It's frikin' freezin' in here Mr. Bigglesworth'. To tell you the truth, I can't wait  
til summer. I have a pool. It's so cold here… I mean, so cold that if this was in my handwriting,  
it would be sooo shaky it would be illegible! Seriously, whoever invented seasons should be taken  
out the back and shot! Anyhoo, e-mail us your opinions at fizzy86@hotmail.com (moi) or   
rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com (not-moi) and… well, I don't know what and… Have fun DARLINGS!  
  
Tuxedo Kamen: Good evening everyone. Welcome to the eighth episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch…   
the show in which the sexiest warriors of love and justice defeat any opposition that have the   
courage to defy them. I love those skirts, girls! In case you haven't noticed, today's battle   
will take place in our brand-new arena, seeing as our old one was destroyed. I'm Chiba Mamoru,   
also known as the hunky Tuxedo Kamen, the guardian of the senshi! I'm your commentator for today,  
and I'd like to introduce our guest commentator, Professor Akagi Ritsuko, who has travelled all   
the way from her job at NERV Headquarters in the not-too-distant future to be with us tonight.  
Ritsuko: Uhh… hi, I'm Akagi Ritsuko… I work at NERV… that's N.E.R.V… headquarters in the   
not-too-distant-future… after Crystal Tokyo gets destroyed… uhh…  
Tuxedo Kamen: Hang on… Crystal Tokyo can't get destroyed! I LIKE being the king of Earth, and I   
don't wanna die! *starts bawling*  
Ritsuko: *hurriedly* Err… don't fret, I was only kidding. It's not like I'd know your future or   
anything. *muttering* Although I am FROM the future, you fool… anyway, I'd like to welcome   
tonight's challengers, members of the NERV attack force… that's N.E.R.V… Asuka Langely Souryu,   
Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami and Misato Katsuragi. How's it going, guys?  
NERV Attack Force: Hi everyone!  
Tuxedo Kamen: And our super-cool, unbeaten, short-skirted warriors with no artificial flavours,   
colours or preservatives-but lots of cleavage-the Senshi of the Inner Planets!  
From the audience… Big Kev: I'm excited!  
Mercury: For love and justice, we're the Inner Senshi! I'm Sailor Mercury!  
Mars: In the name of our planets and our future, we fight! I am Sailor Mars!  
Jupiter: Bow down before us, or we'll kick your ass! I'm Sailor Jupiter!  
Venus: Wearing our cute short skirts, we will vanquish you! I am Sailor Venus!  
Inner Senshi: JOTA!!!!  
Ritsuko: Well, let's get this show on the road, in case an Angel decides to attack in the future…  
alright?  
!!DING!!  
Tuxedo Kamen: Woah! These guys aren't wasting any time, instead they're getting those cute little  
butts into gears and attacking those futuristic morons.  
Ritsuko: Hey, who are you calling morons?  
Tuxedo Kamen: You and the others from the future.  
Ritsuko: Oh okay. Just wanted to get it straightened up. Cool.  
Tuxedo Kamen: Miss Katsuragi just seems to be watching the action as Rei and Sailor Mercury   
start… talking? Oh well, at least Venus is… hitting on Shinji? And Mars is… oh well that's okay   
then. Sailor Mars is pounding Asuka's face in.  
*bash bash bash bash bash*  
Asuka: Stop it!  
Mars: No!  
*bash bash bash bash bash*  
Tuxedo Kamen: Hang on, what is Sailor Jupiter doing?  
Ritsuko: She's looking at Katsuragi. Oh, NO! Misato, look out! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
Tuxedo Kamen: Well, that didn't take long. First death of the night, Major Misato Katsuragi of   
NERV.  
Ritsuko: That's N.E.R.V  
Tuxedo Kamen: We know how to spell it.  
Ritsuko: Well it wasn't MY fault we got a letter addressed to 'Nerve… as in N.e.r.v.e… HQ' now,   
is it? I just want to make sure everyone knows.  
Tuxedo Kamen: Right, whatever. Anyway, Misato is dead, and she died from a few electric shocks to  
the… brain. Through the… ear. Looks like she's a little thunderstruck. *laughs wildly* Oh, isn't   
it funny?!  
Ritsuko: No, not really.  
Tuxedo Kamen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?  
Ritsuko: I… said it was… errr… uhh… hilarious. Yes, that's right. Hilarious!  
Tuxedo Kamen: Ah. That's okay then. Anyway, back to the fight… without any regard to Misato's   
smoking remains, we tune in to the conversation between Sailor Mercury and Rei Ayanami.  
Sailor Mercury: And yeah, I looked at you, and I thought, 'Wow, that's just the nicest shade of   
blue hair I've ever seen.' It's even cooler than mine!  
Rei: Thankyou.  
Sailor Mercury: So… what brand dye do you use? Napro Country Colours, or Herbal Essences   
Hydrience?  
*Rei slaps Sailor Mercury*  
Rei: It's natural.  
Tuxedo Kamen: Oh dear, I think Ami-chan's been hanging around with Minako-chan for a little too   
long… or else she tried dying her hair and it seeped through to her brain.  
Sailor Mercury: What was I thinking? Time to die, Ayanami!  
Ritsuko: No way! That's a totally UNFAIR move!  
Tuxedo Kamen: It's within Sailor Mercury's powers to freeze people, Ritsuko. I believe it to be   
fair, I do.  
Ritsuko: Well I do… NOOOOOOOOOOOO WAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!! How in God's name does that work? What type   
of science is involved in that?  
Tuxedo Kamen: What science? Sailormoonology.  
Ritsuko: But it's impossible! You can't freeze someone and then shatter them like an iceblock! It  
just doesn't work!  
Tuxedo Kamen: It does in Sailormoonology. In Sailormoonology, it's perfectly normal for someone   
to be frozen and then shattered. It just happens. It's true.  
Ritsuko: That's it. I'm going to sue someone.  
Big Kev: I'm excited!  
Somewhere from the sun-dappled glens of Heaven… Fire Angel: Well, if you wanna sue someone   
Ritsuko, then it's us, right? We're the ones that made Sailormoonology.  
Ritsuko: Then I'm suing Fire Angel and Satan's Angel for defying the laws of science!  
Somewhere from the fiery pits of Hell… Satan's Angel: We're the ones that made Sailormoonology,   
Ritsuko. We're also the ones that can make up Deadritsukology if you really want us to.  
Ritsuko: Uhh… err…  
Fire Angel: So are you still going to sue us, Ritsuko?  
Ritsuko: No. No way in the world.  
Satan's Angel: Try 'no way in hell'.  
Fire Angel: Or 'no way in heaven'.  
Satan's Angel: Mine's better.  
Fire Angel: No it's not.  
Satan's Angel: Yes it is.  
Fire Angel: No it's not.  
Satan's Angel: Yes it is.  
Fire Angel: No it's not.  
Satan's Angel: Yes it is.  
Tuxedo Kamen: OH SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!  
Satan's Angel: WHAT WAS THAT, YOU INCONSEQUENTIAL HUMAN?!  
Tuxedo Kamen: I said SHUT! UP!  
Fire Angel: THAT'S IT, YOU… YOU… oh, forget it. DIE!!!!!!!!  
*a sudden blast of fire smashes through the glass of the commentator's booth and burns Tuxedo   
Kamen to a crisp that weighs less than 'Posh Spice'. Yes, it's possible!*  
Satan's Angel: Heeheehee… Fire Angel lost her temper.  
Fire Angel: Yes, I did, didn't I? Ahh… anyway, on with the battle…  
*Mars, who hasn't stopped bashing Asuka during this time, takes a break, and looks up at the sky,  
and then at the ground*  
Mars: I'm beginning to like those two…  
Asuka: Will you stop bashing me now?  
Mars: No way.  
*bash bash bash bash bash*  
Ritsuko: Well, anyway… Sailor Venus is still doing her best to hit on Shinji… she's even hitched   
her skirt up a little higher, which I didn't think was possible… but, you know, maybe it is… and   
she's pushed him up against the wall of the arena. Her hands appear to be roving… and Shinji   
looks… very red, to say the least.  
Shinji: Uhh… uhh… uhh… uhh…  
Venus: Is that all you can say, cutie?  
Shinji: Uhh…  
Venus: I'll tell you right now, you'll be saying more than that when you're in the Goddess of   
Love's little bed.  
Big Kev: *looking horny* I'm excited!  
Shinji: Uhh… uhh… sorry, Sailor Venus, I'm kinda interested in Asuka.  
Venus: What?  
Shinji: Uhh… you know, Asuka. The girl that's getting her face pounded to a pulp.  
Asuka: Wait a minute! *shoves Mars away* YOU like ME?!  
Shinji: Uhh…  
Asuka: Well, why didn't you just TELL me?! And to think, all this time all I've been trying to do  
is get your attention!  
Shinji: Asuka, I like you.  
Asuka: About time.  
Venus: Too bad lover-boy's about fall in love with the Goddess of Love! Venus Love-Me Chain,   
bewitch him!  
Ritsuko: The chain of love hearts curls around Shinji and Venus starts pulling him towards her.   
Shinji! Escape while you still can!  
*Shinji rips the chain away from him and flings it at Venus*  
Venus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
Ritsuko: Sailor Venus just got whipped in the face with the Love-Me Chain. Why is she so mad?  
Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Fire Angel & Satan's Angel: Uh-oh.  
Big Kev: I'm excited!  
Venus: That's it, lover-boy! Time to die!  
Ritsuko: Is that a strategical move? IS THAT A STRATEGICAL MOVE? Sailor Venus just kissed Shinji…  
and… oh. He can't breathe, because she's doing an Asuka and holding his nose. I don't know if   
he'll survive this.  
Fire Angel: You know, it's getting kinda boring without Tuxedo Kamen.  
Satan's Angel: And whose fault is that?  
Fire Angel: Look, you're with Satan, can't you just bring him back to life?  
Satan's Angel: It's not like Satan's my SLAVE or anything.  
Satan: Hey, that's not what you said! You said I had to wait on you hand and foot!  
Satan's Angel: Fine. Bring K-mart boy back to life. I mean, Tuxedo Kamen.  
Satan: Oh, the masked dude? Okay.  
God: I wanna speak too!  
Fire Angel: Well, speak then!  
God: I just did.  
Satan's Angel: Good, we can get on with it then.  
Venus: Yes, he's dead! Suffocated by the Goddess of Love! Now, for that sexy body of his… time to  
dispose of it.  
Big Kev: I'm excited!  
Venus: CRESCENT BEAM!!!!!!!!  
Asuka: NOOOO!!!!!  
Tuxedo Kamen: His body is blasted apart by the impact of Venus' Crescent Beam attack and tiny   
bits of Shinji go flying everywhere. Yum, lunch.  
Ritsuko: Oh that is soooooooo disgusting! Poor Shinji!  
Asuka: NOOOO!!!!! How dare you?! It's time to die, Sailor Senshi! ARRRGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
*Asuka flees from the arena*  
Tuxedo Kamen: Fantastic strategic move on Asuka's part! She fled the arena, which means that the   
Sailor Senshi are our…  
Asuka: Hold it right there, Kamen of the Tuxedo type!  
Tuxedo Kamen: Wha????  
Asuka: I said, hold it right there, err… uhh… Tuxedo Kamen. The senshi haven't won this battle   
just yet.  
Ritsuko: Asuka, where are you?  
Asuka: Take a guess.  
Ritsuko: Oh. No.  
Asuka: Oh. Yes.  
*a wall is knocked down on the left side of the arena. Through the new hole a tall red robot can   
be seen with a cord protruding from its back*  
Tuxedo Kamen: Holy! That thing is huge!  
Venus: No WAY! What IS it?!  
Mars: It's a robot!  
Venus: *sarcastically* I'm so glad you're here, Sailor Mars; I never woulda figured that out on   
my own!  
Mars: You're the one that asked, Venus! Why don't you go clean that blood offa your cute little   
face?  
Venus: Don't even give me that, Mars. Don't even talk about the new scar on my face! I'm getting   
plastic surgery, all right? I'm gonna cover it up, okay?! So deal with it already! THANKYOU!  
Asuka: Oh, shut up, you twits. *lurches her Eva forward; the plug detaches itself from the Eva at  
the same time* Damn! The cord isn't long enough! Is there an extension cord around?  
Ritsuko: Err… no.  
Asuka: Then I'll have to use my emergency power supply! 2 minutes, and these senshi will be lying  
stomped on the floor! This is for killing my Shinji!  
Jupiter: Hey, Mars. I've got an idea. *starts to whisper to Mars, whose face lights up*  
Mars: Cool, let's go! FIRE SOUL!  
Jupiter: SUPREME THUNDER!  
Tuxedo Kamen: Fantastic! With a huge… ahh… Kaboom, the big monster blows right up and probably   
into the not-too-distant future, where there's a company called NERV…  
Ritsuko: That's N…  
Fire Angel: Oh God, shut up!  
*Ritsuko is speared through the heart with a pitchfork*  
Ritsuko: *weakly* …E…  
Satan's Angel: Arrrggghhhh!  
*Ritsuko is hit by another Fire Angel blast*  
Ritsuko: *even more weakly* ……R……  
Fire Angel & Satan's Angel: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  
*Fire Angel and Satan's Angel attack Ritsuko at exactly the same time*  
Ritsuko: *as weak as humanely possible* …………V…………  
Tuxedo Kamen: Ritsuko, you forgot the 'e'.  
Ritsuko: Oh……… Sorry…………… E……… What? Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
*with that, she collapses and dies*  
Tuxedo Kamen: And yet another victory to the Sailor Senshi of love and… no wait, that's not   
important. The Sailor Senshi of the short skirts! Once more, they have defeated all opposition   
and won!  
Satan's Angel: And there was much rejoicing.  
Fire Angel: Oh shut up.  
Tuxedo Kamen: Anyway, we'll see you next time on Sailor Senshi Deathmatch, in which Sailor Venus   
should have a new face. Ja ne, and Jota!  
Big Kev: I'm excited! 


	9. Inner Senshi vs. Planeteers

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 9: The Inner Senshi & Sailor Moon vs. Captain Planet & The Planeteers  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us   
because… well, just don't. And don't try to sue us because we use the same disclaimer each time,   
either - there's no law against that! So blerrrrr! *poking out tongue very childishly* Deal wit   
it!  
  
A Very Small Note from Fire Angel: Howdy, everybody. I'm over my little 'Celine' mood, so I'm   
perfectly fine here now. If anyone who reads this doesn't know who the Planeteers are, WHERE HAVE  
YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS?! Seriously it's a DiC cartoon series (they did the first series   
of Sailormoon) about people who use magical rings (Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Heart) to save   
the planet from pollution and bad guys who like to pollute it. When they get into trouble, they   
combine their powers and create… CAPTAIN PLANET! That's about the gist of it. Anyhoo, enjoy this   
episode (it's our second to last for this series) and e-mail us comments and requests for battles  
in the next series, and get ready for the BIG finale! Ja ne, and Jota!  
  
A Very Small Note from Satan's Angel: Howdie peoplez! Hmmm… yes. The Planeteers. Wow. Not. I   
personally hated the show, but that's my opinion, not yours. I mean, people who want to save the   
planet from being polluted, that's lame. We already have people to do this… they're called   
GREENPEACE!!!!! They're annoying as it is! We don't need a cartoon based on those twerps (My   
special word for this episode!)!!! And magic rings!? I mean the tooth fairy and Father Christmas   
are believable, but magic rings are just stupid! (BTW - Santa, if you're reading this, I want a   
new wardrobe, some sunnies, and electric geetar, a computer AND a laptop etc, etc…) Anyhoo (I'm   
very annoyed that F. Angel stole my rather cool word… BLERRR 2 U!), e-mail us your opinions at   
fizzy86@hotmail.com (this is me Santa!) or rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com (Don't bring her nothing  
but coal or hay or whatever the hell it is!) and… well, It's my B'Day soon so send me prezzies   
(this includes you Santa!!!) Luv yaz and have fun!  
  
Yaten: Hello everyone and welcome to the ninth episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch… the show in   
which the warriors of love and justice defeat all the bad guys! I'm your commentator, Kou Yaten,  
otherwise known as Sail… uhh… Tuxedo Star Healer!!  
From the audience… Teno'u Haruka: Dude, just admit you're a Sailor Senshi. There's no shame in   
admitting you're a hermaphrodite. I've got no shame in admitting that I'm a homosexual. So what   
if you turn into a girl? Besides, I think you're cute when you're a girl.  
Yaten: Fine! I'm SAILOR FRICKING STAR HEALER, and I'm your SAILOR FRICKING SENSHI COMMENTATOR!  
Teno'u Haruka: Woah, dude. Calm down; I was just getting the facts straight.  
Yaten: YOU CAN'T GET ANYTHING FRICKING STRAIGHT! YOU'RE FRICKING GAY! *looks at the audience, who  
are staring at him/her, and gets a sweatdrop as he/she starts to blush. Then he/she smiles   
sweetly at the audience* Anyway, our guest commentator for tonight is Gaia, Greek Goddess of the   
Earth, and the founder of the Planeteers. Gaia, welcome!  
Gaia: Uh, hi, Mr… Mrs… Yaten.  
Yaten: *silently fuming* Anyway, it's time to bring on the battle! Introducing… the unbeatable…   
the short-skirted… the big-breasted… the… ah, just bring em out! The SAILOR SENSHI of the INNER   
PLANETS and SAILOR MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!  
Sailor Senshi: Konnichiwa, minna!  
Gaia: And the challengers. Introducing… the ringed… the clean… the planet-saving… the earth, the   
fire, the wind, the water, and the heart! The Planeteers, in their solar-powered airship!  
*The ceiling opens up and the yellow ship that the Planeteers fly floats in and lands on the   
floor of the arena, even though it's night!*  
Yaten: I betcha it's really petrol-powered.  
*The hatch opens and the Planeteers jump out, complete with the monkey Su-ki*  
Gi: Petrol is bad. It pollutes the water…  
Linka: And pollutes the air!  
Quami: As Planeteers, we would never use something that would endanger our planet!  
Gaia: *muttering* Note to self: do not tell the Planeteers the airship is powered by oil.  
Eternal Moon: Oooh!! Look at the monkey! It's so cute!! It's so cute!! Can I pat it? Let me pat   
it! Please can I pat it?!  
*Without waiting for an answer, Sailor Moon lunges forward, snatches up Su-ki, and starts to pat   
him on the head. Su-ki squeals at the indignity, before biting her glove-encased hand and pulling  
her hair*  
Eternal Moon: OwwwwWWWWWwwwwwWWWWWwwwwww! SILVER MOON CRYSTAL POWER KISS!  
*Su-ki is very conveniently turned into Moon Dust*  
Eternal Moon: Hah-HAH! Moon dusted!  
Ma-ti: SUUUUUU-KIIIIIIII! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You'll pay for that, you polluting-person   
you! I saw the first episode of Sailor Moon where you threw your test on the ground!  
Gaia: Well, I think we'd better start this battle then.  
!!DING!!  
Gaia: And Ma-ti opens the battle, by using his heart power to call upon dozens of lions, and   
tigers and bears.  
Yaten: Oh my.  
Gaia: Well, I don't think the senshi are going to last long, due to the fact that not even   
elemental powers can stand up against teeth and claws.  
Mars: I think you're wrong, Miss 'I'm so good cos I'm a Greek Goddess'. I've got news for you.   
FIRE SOUL!  
Yaten: *laughs loudly for a long time as the fire incinerates the lions, tigers and bears*   
Hah-HAH!!! Now that was hilarious! Suck it, Jungle Boy!  
Haruka: Can I?  
Yaten: EWWWWWWWWWWWW! YUCKY POOS!  
Gaia: What the hell? Yucky poos? God, you need some help.  
Haruka: Yaten, that's not what you said last night…  
Yaten: EWWWWWWWWWWWW! YUCKYUCKYUCK! Haruka, you'd better be careful, or I'll tell Michi   
everything. Just cos she's away in America doesn't mean she won't hear about this. In fact, don't  
they broadcast this show there too?  
Haruka: Errrrrrr… I'll shut up now.  
Gaia: In the time these two have been gasbagging, Ma-ti has given up on his ring, believing it   
won't be any use in this battle, and has thrown it on the floor. Mercury picks it up and chucks   
it to Venus, who slides it on over her glove. What do the senshi want with the Planeteers' rings?  
Venus: Oh, it's sooooo pretty! It glimmers like a gem! Wow! It just makes my heart beat a little   
faster. Oops! Did I say heart?! Oops!  
*all of a sudden a stampede of cute little puppy dogs approaches Sailor Venus. All of them start   
licking her face*  
Venus: Hey, stop that! HEY! I just did my make-up! Oi!   
Getemoffgetemoffgetemoffgetemoffgetemoffgetemoffgetemoffgetemoffgetemoff! GET THEM OFFA ME!  
Wheeler: If I save you, will you fall in love with me?  
Venus: Sure, handsome! Just HURRY UP!  
Wheeler: *ignoring Linka's dirty looks* Excellent! FIRE!  
*Venus screams as she gets burnt to a crisp, along with the dogs*  
Wheeler: Now do you want me?  
Venus: No, you insignificant piece of… of… ah, forget it! You burnt me to a crisp!  
Wheeler: What? You promised! Oh, screw you, bitch! *throws the fire ring at her, and it scratches  
her across the face*  
Yaten & Haruka: Uh oh.  
Gaia: What?  
Yaten: Wheeler's gonna be dead…  
Haruka: …Very, very soon.  
*Yaten and Haruka start chanting, 'Wheeler's gonna be dead, Wheeler's gonna be dead!'*  
Gaia: Why?  
Haruka: Because she just got scratched in the face…  
Yaten: …Again. She's been scratched in the face nearly every episode, and it pisses her off no   
end.  
Haruka: Well, I'd be pissed off too, if my face was as cute as hers.  
Yaten & Gaia: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!  
Venus: ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
*There is a very sudden explosion as her head blows up from the stress. Never again will she have  
to worry about her looks*  
From the depths of the deepest, darkest Hell: Fire Angel! Whaddid you do that for? She's one of   
the good guys!  
From the heights of the brightest, lightest Heaven: Sorry. She's more vain than I am, and it was   
pissing me off.  
Satan's Angel: Sometimes you worry me, Fire Angel.  
Fire Angel: *smiling sweetly* I know.  
Yaten: Anyway. Back to the battle, Mars lunges for Wheeler's ring and slips it onto her finger as  
Mercury ditches the heart ring to Haruka in the audience. God knows what she'll do with it, but   
for now it's safe.  
Mars: FIRE SOUL!  
Gaia: Yipes! Two attacks in one! By saying the word 'Fire', she's initiated the ring as well as   
using her 'Fire Soul' attack. That's the end of Wheeler, folks.  
Yaten: And what's this? Linka's crying over his burnt body, and while she's crying… oh, sneaky  
sneaky! Mercury's just grabbed Linka's ring while she's crying her eyes out. She's slipped it   
onto her own finger and looks awfully pleased with herself. Well, that's three rings down, two to  
go.  
Gi: You've killed Wheeler, now it's time to pay, scum! WATER!  
*Mercury looks at the ring on her hand as the wave of water heads towards her*  
Mercury: WIND! Jupiter, go!  
Gaia: GI! NO WAY!  
Yaten: Hah-HAH! As the wave of water flies back towards Gi, Jupiter electrocutes it with her   
'Supremeo Thundero' attack! Water, being electricity's biggest conductoro, is now electrocuted   
and kills Gi with a single blowo.  
Haruka: Hmmm… blow. I like it, I like it already.  
Yaten, Gaia, & Senshi: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!  
*Mercury plucks Gi's ring off her dead body and chucks it to Sailor Moon*  
Quami: Gi! No way! Sailor Senshi, you'll pay! Earth!  
*a hole opens under Sailor Moon, and she falls into it, screaming*  
Mercury: Wind!  
Eternal Moon: I'm flying!  
Yaten: Excellent! Mercury's wind attack helps Sailor Moon out of the hole… and knocks Quami in!   
This gets better and better! He's hanging on to the edge of the hole, hoping he can climb out…   
ooh, what's this? Jupiter's taken his ring and shoved him in!  
Jupiter: Let's hope I can get this to work… close up on him! Earth!  
*Quami's screams echo as the hole closes up on him with a 'squishing' noise*  
Haruka: Guys, you've got all the rings!  
Moon: Alright!  
Jupiter: Let's try this, shall we? Let our powers combine… EARTH!  
Mars: FIRE!  
Mercury: WIND!  
Moon: WATER!  
Haruka: HEART!  
Senshi: Goooooooooo, Tuxy!  
Yaten: Excellent! The senshi have combined powers to call upon Tuxedo Kamen! Whatta hunk-a-spunk!  
Tuxedo Kamen: Ewwwww… oh! By your powers combined, I am Tuxy… Kamen!  
Senshi: *singing to the tune of the Captain Planet Theme* Tuxy Kamen, he's our hero, gonna take   
the Planeteers to zero! He's our powers magnified, and he's fighting on the sailors' side!  
Ma-ti & Linka: Stop stealing our song!  
Senshi: *still singing* Tuxy Kamen, he's our hero, gonna take the Planeteers to zero! Gonna help   
him put asunder those guys who don't like to loot and plunder!  
Gaia: No way! I didn't know Tuxedo Kamen was supposed to have that type of energy! He's just   
killed the remaining Planeteers with a blast of red and black energy from a rose! How does that   
work?!  
Yaten: He's Tuxy Kamen. Not Tuxedo Kamen. And besides, the rings called him; he's more powerful   
now. It's simple. Sailormoonology.  
Gaia: Okay then, although it sucks! You'll pay for this, Tuxedo Kamen!  
Senshi: *yelling* We're the Sailor Senshi, you can be one too! Saving our planet is the thing to   
do! Stealing energy is not the way, hear what Tuxy Kamen has to say!  
Tuxy Kamen: The power is yours!  
Yaten: Well, once again, the senshi have annihilated all opposition, and they have pretty funky   
rings, too. As long as Haruka doesn't use Heart on me, I'll be happy. Even though we've lost a   
warrior, it's nearly the end of the series, so maybe when it's all over, Fire Angel will bring   
her back to life. Anyway, stay tuned for the last episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch. Ja mata! 


	10. Sailor Mars & Sailor Pluto vs... Who???

Sailor Senshi Deathmatch  
Episode 10: Sailor Mars & Sailor Pluto vs. …Who???  
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us   
because… well, just don't. Don't worry, guys, this is the last deathmatch, so hopefully you won't  
ever have to see this goddamned disclaimer again! Next series, we'll have a NEW disclaimer (which  
will be just as goddamned annoying!) HAHAHAHA!  
  
A Very Small Note from Fire Angel: Hello, everybody. *tears welling in her eyes as she speaks* I   
am very sad to tell you that we have finally reached our final episode of Sailor Senshi   
Deathmatch. *bursts into tears* Oh dear, how embarrassing. *wipes eyes feverishly with a   
handkerchief so kindly produced by Satan's Angel* And to think this whole thing started on a   
typewriter, which we wrote on while living in a DISGUSTING shed. Now we're millionaires with   
twelve Mercedes each, and we're living in a gigantic mansion using the most expensive and complex  
computer system invented to write this. E-mail us comments, send us money (so we can buy another   
Merc), and let us know what you thought of this *blubbers a bit more* beautiful ending to a   
beautiful series. If you're lucky, we'll write another one for ya, because we have no life (oh,   
the days of the stinking shed!). Sayonara minnasan, and until next time, I luv ya all and jota!   
:ob  
  
A Very Small Note from Satan's Angel: Well hello and I must inform that we must say goodbye for   
now. This is the last and final episode in our series. Yes, we have come a long way from two   
psychos writing in the back of the sewer departments fifty forth shed with an old and rusty   
typewriter that we stole from Joe's Bait Shop which is on the corner of Turner and Third. Yes, I   
know, you'll be sad, we all will, but if we get enough requests we will continue on with yet   
another breathtaking series. Any way, my birthday hasn't been just yet, so Santa, if you're still  
reading, GIMMEGIMMEGIMME!! Anyway, email us at fizzy86@hotmail.com (The angel that Satan calls   
his) or rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com (The angel drawn to the dancing flames) and though my heart  
is breaking, well, whether or not you like it, we'll probably make another series because we will  
eventually get bored of everyday life, y'know what I mean? Sayonara, my dear minna, and until   
next time, LUV YAZ!!!!!!!!! ;op  
  
Makoto: Heellllllooo! Welcome, everybody, to the tenth and final episode of Sailor Senshi   
Deathmatch, the show where the world's coolest warriors defeat all opposition that have enough   
courage to face them! I am Kino Makoto, but I'm better known as the soldier of protection, love   
and courage, the wielder of lightning and thunder, the one in green and pink and the largest   
breasts…  
From the audience… Zach: I wouldn't say you've got the largest boobs, Mako-sama. Now, Fire Angel   
on the other hand… she's extremely… privileged by way of boob-size.  
Makoto: Yes, but she's not a Sailor Senshi, is she? I'm talking about the Sailor Senshi; I'm the  
most privileged of the Sailor Senshi. *Rei coughs loudly, but she ignores it* Anywayz, I'm SAILOR  
JUPITER, and I hold the protection of the planet Jupiter. I'm your commentator for today, and for  
once, we don't seem to have a guest commentator. In fact, we haven't had word from the almighty   
goddesses to tell us which senshi are apparently fighting, and who they're battling.  
*miraculously, a note appears in front of Makoto, and she picks it up and reads it*  
Makoto: Well well, look at that. Two randomly picked senshi are to go into battle against our   
supposedly non-existent opponents. Okay, girls, we need one Inner Senshi and one Outer Senshi.   
Who wants to go?  
Rei: I'll go, I'll go! MARS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP! I love battle! I'm GOING!  
Setsuna: *looks around to Hotaru, who shakes her head. Looks at Haruka and Michiru, who are   
making out, and gags* Okay, looks like it's my turn today. Pluto Planet Power, Make Up!  
Makoto: Okay. Tonight, Sailor Mars and Sailor Pluto will go against… ahh… we still have no idea.  
*suddenly, all the lights go out, and a single spotlight flashes onto the entrance to the arena.   
Two silhouettes are standing there. They make their way out into the arena, the light following   
them*  
Silhouette 1: Look at that, Fiz. We're missing a commentator.  
Silhouette 2: How insulting!  
*the first silhouette points up at the commentator's box, and all of a sudden Mister   
Happy-go-lucky appears, looking extremely thrilled*  
Narrator: ALL RIGHT! I'M BACK AND READY TO RUMBLE!  
Silhouette 2: Oh, you had to, didn't you?  
*all of a sudden, the lights go back on, and the silhouettes are revealed to be two young girls.   
The first is dressed in a white skirt with gold trims, white boots with flames, and a white boob   
tube with flames. She has gold wings, a halo, and she holds a gold staff. The second is dressed   
in a black skirt with red trims, black boots with flames, and a black boob tube with flames. She   
has devil's horns, a devil tail and she holds a pitchfork*  
Fire Angel: Yep. I did it to piss you off no end, Satan's Angel, dear.  
Satan's Angel: *looks up at the commentator's box* Well, introduce us then!  
Narrator: Introducing the challengers… the super cool, really funky, overly happy…  
Makoto: The goddesses of fire and death… the manipulators of everything in existence… the   
gorgeous, the cool… the much sought after by men… the gifted, the talented… Fire Angel and   
Satan's Angel!  
*everyone goes quiet in complete awe, and Fire Angel looks at Satan's Angel. Satan's Angel winks   
at Fire Angel, and they look at the audience and take a deep breath, trying to ignore Zach's eyes  
which are fastened to their low cut boob tubes*  
F.Angel & S.Angel: JOTA!!!!!!!!  
*suddenly, the Big Brother TV theme starts, and Fire Angel and Satan's Angel launch into a wicked  
dance routine that lasts for about three minutes (the length of the song). Then they stop and   
look around. Everyone breaks into applause*  
Fire Angel: All right, we're done. Now, let's get on with this battle.  
Satan's Angel: Well, what are you waiting for? Ding the goddamn bell! Ding it! Ding ding ding   
dingdingdingding!  
!!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!!  
Satan's Angel: That's better.  
!!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!! !!DING!!  
Satan's Angel: All right, you've proved your point! DON'T DO IT AGAIN!  
Makoto: Well, no time-waster, Sailor Mars opens up by using Fire Soul… and look at that, she's   
still in possession of her funky ring that she nicked last episode, so it's shot a double-batch   
of fire at Fire Angel and Satan's Angel.  
Narrator: And what's this! Oh, cool! Not even worrying about her possibly soon to be dead status,  
Satan's Angel pulls out a pen and paper and starts writing. Miraculously, a shield… get that, a   
shield… has appeared in front of Fire Angel and Satan's Angel and has sent the fire back to Mars,  
who is burnt to a crisp, but still alive.  
Makoto: How does that work? Where did the shield come from?  
Satan's Angel: Duh! We're the authors of this thing! If we want something to happen, we just   
write it, and it HAPPENS!  
Narrator: But that's cheating, and cheating's bad!  
Satan's Angel: Don't get on my bad side, or I'll kill you.  
Fire Angel: It'll just take one or two sentences, Mister Happy, and you'll be back in limbo. So   
don't anger her.  
Makoto: Well, at the moment, there is nothing either Mars or Pluto can do to attack the angels of  
Fire and Hell, because nothing, and I mean nothing, will penetrate that shield.  
Narrator: Well, what are we gonna do, kids? Fire Angel and Satan's Angel are being sooooo mean   
and being big cheaters!  
F.Angel & S.Angel: SHUT UP! WE'RE TRYING TO THINK!  
Makoto: Ooh, Fire Angel's started writing on her piece of paper. I think from here I can read it…  
'Fire Angel and Satan's Angel get magic rings on their hands that can cast any spell or summon   
from Final Fantasy, including Ultima.'  
Narrator: Well, it worked. They now have funky rings on their hands. CHEATERS!  
Satan's Angel: That's it, he's dead.  
Fire Angel: No way, I wanna do it! You always kill him!  
Satan's Angel: But you always bring him back to life!  
Fire Angel: Well you bring him back to life next time! I WANNA KILL HIM! *points her new ring at   
him* Hmm… let's see… Final Fantasy 7… 8… 9… hmm… FAT CHOCOBO!  
Makoto: And a giant fat yellow bird drops out of the sky and lands on Mister Happy, smothering   
and in effect, killing him. YIPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  
Satan's Angel: Well then, I'll handle Mars and Pluto. ULTIMA!!!!!!!!!  
Makoto: Yipes, that's a powerful spell! Eww, in fact that's pretty nasty. It looks like Mars and   
Pluto blew up, but for some reason they're… err… still alive and all in one piece. I guess Fire   
Angel & Satan's Angel did that… want to torture them some more, do we, girls?  
Fire Angel: Yep, that's just about the gist of it.  
Makoto: Well, why don't you take down that shield, so they actually have a fair chance of hitting  
you?  
Fire Angel: Grrrrr… I don't wanna!  
Satan's Angel: Oh, let's do it. Any damage we take can be fixed with the movement of a pen.   
There's no need to worry.  
Fire Angel: All right… *scribbles on paper* The big shield around F.Angel and S.Angel disappears,  
revealing them to be attacked. However, suddenly both Sailor Mars and Sailor Pluto power down to   
human form, so they can't attack, and Mars' ring disappears off the face of the planet.  
*an alien ship that's circling Earth, gets their engines screwed up by the ring and blows up,   
ruining all chances of alien encounter and starting an interstellar war versus Mars and some   
unknown planet*  
Satan's Angel: Fire Angel, don't you think that was a little harsh?  
Fire Angel: No. *shrugs* Don't you wanna win? We're the goddesses of this game, and frankly I'm   
sick of the senshi winning. So let's kill em. We can bring em back later.  
Satan's Angel: Well………… okay.  
*suddenly, Zach runs up from the audience, snatches Fire Angel's paper and writes something on   
it. He waits for a second, then drops the pen and paper in annoyance. Running to Satan's Angel,   
he grabs her pen and paper and does the same. He heads back to the audience, dejected*  
F.Angel & S.Angel: *reading papers* Suddenly, both F.Angel and S.Angel's tops fall down,   
revealing them in all their glory?  
*Satan's Angel scribbles on her paper, and Zach explodes into a million pieces*  
Fire Angel: Now, to finish these guys off. *whispers to Satan's Angel, and both girls hold out   
their rings* Take this! A blast of the powerful summons slash guardian forces slash eidolons of   
Final Fantasy 7, 8 and 9!  
Makoto: Hmm… this should be interesting.  
Rei & Setsuna: Uh-oh. We're dead.  
Satan's Angel: Hades! Diablos! Madeen! Neo Bahamut! Siren! Atomos! Choco/Mog!  
Fire Angel: Bahamut ZERO! Tonberry! Fenrir! Carbuncle! Fat Chocobo! MiniMog! Titan! Boko!   
Quezacotl! Typoon! Moomba! Phoenix! Shiva!  
Satan's Angel: Cerberus! Doomtrain! Jumbo Cactuar! Kjata! Gilgamesh! Pandemona!  
F.Angel & S.Angel: Ifrit! Leviathan! Alexander! Bahamut! Odin! Ramuh! Brothers! KNIGHTS OF THE   
ROUND! EDEN! ARRRRRRRRK!  
*there is a very large explosion as Rei and Setsuna are hit by the GFs, Summons and Eidolons all   
at the same time. Fire Angel & Satan's Angel cackle wickedly*  
Makoto: OHHHHH NOOOOOOO! REEEEEEEIIIII! SETTTTSSSSUUUUUNNNNAAAA!  
From the audience… Usagi: Cool! Fireworks! Oh no, Rei and Setsuna are dead! What am I going to   
dooooo?!?!??! I know! SAILOR SENSHI!!! ATTACK FIRE ANGEL AND SATAN'S ANGEL!  
*the remaining Sailor Senshi, including Makoto, transform and jump down to attack Fire Angel and   
Satan's Angel, except for Michiru and Haruka, who are STILL making out*  
Satan's Angel: Uh oh, we're dead.  
*Fire Angel scribbles something on the paper, and the senshi explode outwardly, their body parts   
and organs flying everywhere. Everything is drenched in blood, except for Fire Angel and Satan's   
Angel, who have some magic ability to repel dirt*  
Fire Angel: No we're not, they are!  
Satan's Angel: And with that, ladies and gentlemen, we give you the end of the Sailor Senshi   
Deathmatch series, where finally… the senshi have been defeated by the goddesses of fire and   
hell.  
Fire Angel: We'd like to thank you for being such a great audience all this time, and if you   
really want, we'll bring back the senshi for a second series. But for now, and until next time…  
F.Angel & S.Angel: Ja mata, and JOTA!  
*audience claps as Fire Angel and Satan's Angel dance out to the tune of the Big Brother theme.   
The lights fade, and the Sailor Senshi Deathmatch series is no more* 


End file.
